Empress Adirn 4 - Stubbornness
During her childhood, Adirn Deepgrave had always presumed that the emperors and empresses of the Onyx Empire had everything. From the finest velvets to the richest foods to the most intricately carved onyx bookmarks, she didn’t think that they could want for anything, and certainly there could have been nothing in her life that matched up to the imperial wealth. In her mind’s eye there had been a library stretching the length of the palace, a hundred quiet reading rooms that allowed a studious soul to sit with the sunshine on their pages at any time of the day, and all the warm fireplaces that a winter’s morning could require. Time, and its habit of breeding cynicism under the guise of realism, had robbed those notions of their teeth as she grew up; it didn’t seem like many other people, let alone rulers, had quite her taste for quiet isolation and dense prose. But surely, she had told herself, they would have had material goods that outshone anything the lesser nobles could have hoped for.
Once crowned Adirn Deepgrave could see first-hand she could see the finery that surrounded the seat of imperial power, and it was indeed of unsurpassed quality. It was just a shame that those before her had a preference for the instruments of torment and mortality, over the literary arts. But it had taught her that the greatest, most comforting possession of all had been hers all her life; namely, the hands in which she buried her face, whilst curled up on the floor. No-one could look her in the face and wait expectantly to be ordered to the gallows. Nothing could catch her eye and invite her curious mind to determine how it had been used to harm a person. She didn’t have to see an aristocrat espousing the virtue of skinning people. There was only the soothing warmth of a palm, and the calming darkness of fingers over her eyes. It couldn’t last forever though. Quite aside from the imperial duties to which she knew she must attend, her thighs were getting catastrophically tired from the unannounced squat that they’d been forced to endure.
“OK.” She said, opening a gap in her hands through which the words could pass. “I’m ready.”
Captain Toxis maintained a watch over his empress. Her words said one thing, but her continued curling on the floor said another.
“That’s good news, your eminence. Can I expect you to stand, or shall I send for a sedan chair?”
Tempting as the idea of a sedan chair was, Adirn didn’t think it could be trusted. The chance of it being made entirely out of human skulls was just too great, especially considering that Mary the Skullery maid would be forced to clean it top to bottom after use.
“No thank you. I’m getting up.”
The empress allowed her hands to drop to her sides, their medicinal business concluded for the moment, and pushed with both legs. Already burning from the squat, her thighs made their displeasure known. Even her knees, stiff from being held in place for so long, joined in with their own picket-line of tight soreness. Leather panels in the imperial trousers creaked. It was just one more victory for the unique brand of dignity that Adirn championed.
“Where do we go now?” She said, once the ordeal of standing was completed.
“I was to understand that you wished to sign your laws as soon as you could, your eminence. One can only assume that the rest of your council is gathering in the skull chamber as we speak.”
Adirn groaned softly. It had been foolhardy to tire out her legs with anxiety-squatting when she knew full well that there was a long climb up God-Gouger tower ahead of her. Neither acknowledging nor lamenting the folly would negate its impact though.
“Yes. Yes of course. I’m sure they will all be just as reasonable as they were yesterday, especially after the rousing success story that was my audience.” The empress said drily. She could have sworn that she saw the beginnings of a smirk on Captain Toxis’ face, but he swallowed it down well.
Adirn’s second climb up God-Gouger tower was markedly easier than her first. Wearing a ceremonial gown that wanted to always find its way beneath her feet, or trail behind her to find the feet of another, had in hindsight not been the best choice for ascending a perilous staircase; that had apparently not been a selection criterion for the dressmaker, however.
“This is so much easier in trousers.” She told Captain Toxis, without the slightest hint of context.
“As you say, your eminence.” He replied. With or without understanding, his position was not to question the empress’ wisdom when delivered so bluntly. As long as he kept climbing after her, step after step, and kept stopping the blades from finding her flesh, then his job was done.
Despite the reduction in difficulty offered by trousers over a dress, Adirn still reached the top of the tower in a state of breathlessness. Echoing up the staircase from far below her she’d started to hear other voices, which quickly faded into other sources of panting, so she knew that the other council members were on their way. It would be prudent to compose herself before they could see her.
With both forearms pressed against the wall, Adirn leaned forwards and tried to catch her breath. Captain Toxis rested his back against the door frame, showing no signs of exertion, and waited patiently.
“How do you do that?” Adirn panted, looking at Toxis from under one arm. “And in chainmail?”
Keto shrugged.
“Used to it, your eminence.”
“Maybe I’ll get used to it too, then.” She said, more from hope than anything else. Captain Toxis offered no comment.
The empress pushed away from the wall and nodded to Captain Toxis. Casually he stood up straight and pushed the skull chamber door open.
Inside the chamber, sitting prominently on the upper teeth of the skull table, was a folded piece of parchment. In large, black lettering it read: 'The Almighty Virum Sees All, Especially Those Not In Their Robes!'
"That bloody priestess."
"She is the grand priestess, your eminence. The Bloody Priestess died many years ago in the Blood Riots." Captain Toxis corrected.
"I didn't mean... who was the Bloody Priestess?"
"Well she-"
"Actually, you know what, sorry. Never mind. I'd rather not know right now. It's more important to stop the grand and bloodless priestess trying to undermine me."
Through the door Adirn could hear the voices getting louder, which meant that they would be in visual range of the sign before too long. The empress hadn't checked her clothing for pockets until that point. Her usual habit of stuffing her hands into whatever pockets she could find had been suppressed by the miracle of imperial stress. Right then, however, she patted the sides of her doublet to check for any handy hiding places into which she might sequester the sign. Alas, the pockets she found were too small to fit either her hands or the sign, even after significant crushing and crumpling of either.
Glancing instead around the room, the empress found her options for hiding a sign to be severely limited. Having taken the design-brief of ‘make the room look like the inside of a skull’ to heart, there were no shelves, cubbyholes or other furnishings in which to stash a subversive note.
“You’d think a chamber to house clandestine meetings would have hiding places, but there’s nothing here. Apart from the robes, I guess, but I refuse to have anything to do with them. Why is everyone scared of being in Almighty Virum’s gaze anyway? I thought the gods were meant to be able to see everything whatever happened, and having them looking over you was a good thing?”
“I assume you’ve not attended many services in the Cathedral of the Abyss.” Keto speculated.
“The Abyss you say… yeah, that seems about right.”
The voices outside had reached the door. Any time for hiding signage had run out.
“I’ll think of something.”Adirn said to a largely unconcerned Captain Toxis.
Breathing heavily, as was the inevitable tradition for arrivals to the Skull Chamber, council members began to stagger through the door on wearied legs. First came Count Rott with Arch-Bishop Dagoth, both red in the face. Their eyes were immediately drawn to the sign. Count Rott flicked his attention between the threatening sign, the collection of robes, and the distinctly un-robed empress & captain. Once again he was locked in an unsolvable dilemma.
“Are you not robing, your eminence?” Arch-Bishop Dagoth asked, removing one from the hooks for herself and another for the count.
“I’d rather not get into this again, but no I am not. And no-one else needs to.”
From behind them appeared Lord Infernus, Lady Vipus, and Lord Tabius Lloyd. Tabius was loudly declaring that the new empresses reforms were all but confirmed as a scheme to crash the gallows market, such that she could take the work away from good, honest, Onyxian landowners. When he realised that Adirn was already in the room, and definitely within earshot, he shot her a toothy smile.
“Allegedly.” He claimed, raising both hands in mock surrender. “I’d never accuse you of anything like that in the absence of proof, of course, your eminence.”
“I’m sure.” Adirn said flatly.
“Would you like me to ensure his silence, your eminence?” Keto muttered in Adirn’s ear. She thought about it for a moment, and then panicked when she realised that she hadn’t rejected the idea out of hand.
“No!” The empress blurted in her shock. “No, that won’t be necessary.” She added more quietly.
Viscount Sinistere was next, helping Mistress of Records Katherine up in a surprisingly kind display that could only have stemmed from needing her favour. Duchess Asphyxia was the last of the council to arrive, a minute or so later. With a short half-jog she scurried into the room, as if she’d been hurrying all the way here, and pushed the door closed. Reflexively she grabbed a robe, and was half way to pulling it over her head before seeing the rest of the council standing in robeless silence before the empress.
“Ah.” She said softly, lowering her arms again.
Adirn was faced with a council that was over twice as large as it had been the day before. Either she'd met with an atrophied council before, because none of the other council members respected her, or they were multiplying. Adirn didn't know which idea she liked least.
"Is that everyone? A lot of you weren't here yesterday and I don't want to have to explain myself multiple times." The empress said with as much authority as she could manage. Having another aristocrat restrained downstairs in the audience chamber certainly helped her in that effort.
"Yes, your eminence. That's all of us who are currently within the borders of your illustrious empire." Viscount Sinistere crooned. “Except for the Grand Priestess, but she does not have legal purview over law-making in any case. And, er… Countess Lascera, of course.”
Adirn wiped the oil of Viscount Sinistere’s words from herself.
"Wonderful. Right, first of all, no robes. They're ridiculous and I hate them." There was worried murmuring from those who had not been in the previous day’s council. “I went through this in detail for those who turned up yesterday.” Adirn added. Some of the murmuring turned to squirming.
"But... what of the note?!" Asked Lord Infernus nervously, pointing towards the table in case there were any doubt as to which note he meant.
"Ah.” Said the empress, stalling for a few more moments to craft her deception. “That's obviously the church's support of my reform.”
Captain Toxis looked at her with a suspicious curiosity.
“You see, Virum can see you more clearly when you're not hidden behind a robe. Can see your actions in his name and appreciate your deeds." Explained the empress. She didn’t feel good about lying, but she would have felt worse about putting a robe on. “When we hide ourselves from him, then it makes him think we are trying to subvert his will.”
There was a pensive silence and a series of worried faces in the Skull Chamber. In the council members’ experiences of the church, much as Captain Toxis had suggested, having Virum's attention only ever ended poorly. However, the Empress was making a kind of sense, which was more than could be said about most who tried to explain the machinations of Almighty Virum.
"Well there have been a lot of failed invasions formulated while wearing the robes..." Count Rott thought out loud.
"Almighty Virum's blessings certainly weren't with us when Mount Agony spilled ash and magma onto Castle Infernus." Agreed the eponymous baron. “And that was during a robed meeting of the Dark Council.”
Adirn nodded quietly. She couldn’t believe her luck; they were actively convincing themselves of the truth of her words.
“The Almighty Virum tends to smite those in his vision, rather than favour them.” Archi-Biship Dagoth said, tersely.
“That’s a matter of ecumenical debate between you and the Grand Priestess.” Deflected the empress, without even thinking about it.
“Perhaps it is…” The Arch-Bishop pulled a black and gold notebook from a pocket in her long, flowing red and black robes. On its cover Adirn could make out the words ‘Bad Sins’, implying the devastating existence of ‘Good Sins’. A hastily scribbled note later, the notebook disappeared back into the folds of fabric.
“Surely, your eminence, the Grand Priestess would simply have removed the robes if she wanted to stop their use. Rather than simply leaving a note, I mean.” Lord Tabius Lloyd asked. He made a show of looking innocently curious, but no masquerade could hide the icy glint in his eyes.
The empress swallowed. Her wits had been fast before, but a lack of practice in sustained lying was slowing her down.
“And deprive herself of the opportunity to punish someone as a sinner? Better to leave the temptation in place and let the faithful prove themselves, knowing the Grand Priestess.” Interjected Lady Vipus, apparently a serial recipient of the Grand Priestess’ judgement. As Adirn allowed herself a small sigh of relief, Tabius Lloyd caught her eye.
“But this is not a matter for debate. The robes are to be removed today and they shall not be worn again.” She hastily added. Conversation needed to be moved along.
“What about during the winter?” Count Rott said. “It gets very cold up this high in the winter months.”
“Fine. They can be worn in the winter, but only for warmth and with the hoods strictly down.” Conceded the empress. “Now there’ll be no more distractions. We’re here to witness the signing of my first declaration. Katherine, would you please present us with the document?”
“Of course, your eminence.” Said the Mistress of Records, almost cheerfully. From one long, baggy sleeve she pulled a rolled-up parchment, and laid it on the Skull Table, next to a quill and inkwell.
“Oh. Thank you very much.”
Katherine bowed her head respectfully. As Adirn lifted the quill, wiping some excess ink on the edge of the inkwell, the Mistress of Records leaned in.
“It is customary to read the words first, your eminence. That way you are literally declaring it to the room.” She instructed, but for possibly the first time ever there was no snark. The Empress’ eyes flickered around the room, looking for the assassin. The only reasonable explanation was that Katherine was being paid off to keep her busy while malign forces arranged an execution, because when else would the old bag ever hide her feelings of disappointment in Adirn?
There were no obvious assassins in the room. Aside from the Dark Council themselves, of course.
“Yes, Katherine. Of course.” Adirn cleared her throat. “I, Empress Adirn Deepgrave, the first of her name, declare that henceforth all hangings, drownings, burnings, flayings, flagellation, well-poisonings, tooth-pullings, ear-pushings…” she stopped, and stared at the page. “Ear-pushings?”
“A speciality of Auros the Crippler, your eminence. She will not be pleased, but it was within the remit of the law as you described it to me.” Katherine said. Disappointment danced around the edges of her voice in a way that Adirn couldn’t quite quantify. “She is currently leading a delegation to the Disciples of the Ever-Listening Ear; one of the final requests of Emperor Tyrannick before his untimely demise. We will of course make sure that she doesn’t continue such practices upon her return.”
“Well… yes we can’t have that.” The empress agreed. She looked back down at the declaration in order to stop thinking about it. “Where was I… ear-pushings, tyings to a post in the sea, plus the other, non-daily, forms of torture or execution are hereby forbidden in the Onyx Empire. Their practice shall be ceased, and all peripheral equipment destroyed or repurposed.” Adirn finished. She frowned. “All of these were being committed daily?”
“We made sure that these services never failed, your eminence. We have committed ourselves to them and sacrificed much for them.” Lord Infernus lamented.
“Much for them, or many to them?” the empress asked cuttingly.
“Both. The point is that these are our main focuses, our reasons for being! How will we make our money if not by torturing it out of our peons? What do you expect my village-burners to do now?” He demanded.
“Something useful! Goodness me, it’s no wonder the empire is in such a state if all of its most powerful people spend their time either murdering, torturing, or arguing about their rights to murder and torture!”
“That is not true! We also spend a lot of time, effort and resources planning surprise attacks against the White Alliance! We’ve had a surprise attack every two years without fail for the last two decades. Like clockwork!” Count Rott snapped back.
“Surprise attacks like clockwork? Is that another genius move that The White Alliance would never expect because it’s so stupid?” Adirn snapped.
“Yes! Exactly!” Count Rott replied. His anger quickly fizzled away into introspection. “Although you do make a good point as to how they managed to expect so many unexpected things…”
“Right, now if I recall correctly, you all fervently denounced these very practices in my audience hall earlier, so I will not hear any more arguments. The law is now in place!”
Katherine sighed heavily.
“Only once you sign the decree, your eminence. You did so well in the audience hall at quashing revolt. Please don’t start disappointing me again so soon, even if there is a huge force of habit behind the practice.” Said the mistress of records, finding her bottomless well of disdain yet again.
“Ah, yes. Right. Of course.” Adirn accepted. She dipped the quill in the ink. “Just here at the bottom?”
“Yes, your eminence. Right next to where it says ‘so decreed by…’. You’ll need to sign your own name and not just some other word, for the sake of clarity. Is that sufficiently clear?” Katherine sniped, settling back into her old ways easily.
Empress Adirn ignored it and put her nib to the paper. A few seconds later, her scrawled name was in place. She’d made a law. She’d forced her views on people she’d never met, and would never meet. For a moment, Adirn looked down at her own name on the paper and wondered if she really did know better than everyone else.
“Yes, that’s the name you just signed, your eminence. It won’t go anywhere now.” Katherine said, pulling the decree away from Adirn in the fear that she might start doodling something else on the page.
There was a silence in the skull chamber, save for the rustling of Katherine shoving a newly signed decree back up her sleeve. The assembled nobles shot glances at one another ranging from fear, to anger, to disbelief, and Captain Toxis scanned his gaze across them all for any sign of dissent. They all avoided his eye.
“Well, I believe that concludes matters here. Unless anyone else has something to bring to my attention that they didn’t see fit to say during our audience earlier, you may be on your ways.” Adirn said, feeling awkward but trying to sound commanding. She could feel the resentment in the room, but there was nothing to be done about it. In a suspiciously orderly fashion the nobles filtered out of the skull chamber, with the occasional muttered word exchanged but no open conversation.
“I fear that you’ve not made friends here today.” Captain Toxis said, once they were alone with Katherine. Sunlight was spilling into the room through the high, skull-shaped windows, positioned where the temples of the skull-shaped room were. Dust motes floated serenely where murder and torture had been outlawed.
“They had their chance to speak up again, and they decided against it.”
“Arguing with you about it didn’t get them anywhere before, and they’re not accustomed to having to debate their right to hang their serfs.” Katherine observed. “I should know that arguing with you rarely helps.” It sounded like an admonition.
“You think they’ll try something underhanded?”
Toxis and Katherine both laughed. It was a strange sound in the Onyx Empire to have laughter in isolation from the screams of another, but one that Adirn hoped to make more common. If it could stop happening exclusively at her expense too, then that would be even better.
“Alright, alright. Point taken. We’ll have to be on our guard.” The Empress huffed.
“Always, your eminence. It was more or less a guarantee that one of your council would act against you at some point. All you’ve really done is make it likely to happen sooner.” Captain Toxis said, with a matter-of-factness that Adirn thought was meant to be comforting.
“Then it reassures me to know that you’re already keeping your eyes open. Speaking of which, I believe we should check on Countess Lascera again. I’d like to see if she’s ready to apologise yet.” Adirn said, holding her head up high so that she could look down her nose at the hypothetical location of the countess.
“As you wish, your eminence.”
“Oh, and Katherine? Could you please organise for these robes to be removed? I’d like for the records of our traditions, clandestine or otherwise, to be updated accordingly as well.”
“I’ll just change the entry in my big book of Empress Adirn Deepgrave’s great ideas for the empire. Any more history you’d like to sweepingly erase? Maybe do away with our flag or burn down the Crypt of Horrors?” Katherine snapped.
Adirn thought silently for a few moments. Anything called the Crypt of Horrors sounded like the exact sort of place to be burned down immediately. But she didn’t want to rise to the Mistress of Records this time.
“Just the robes for now will be fine, thank you.”
“Very well, your eminence. Rest assured that the accumulated culture of centuries will not be allowed to bother you, nor will you need to be slightly too warm for the sake of our national identity.”
Adirn nodded curtly and strode out of the skull chamber.
Captain Toxis pushed open the audience chamber door slowly, but still the creak of wood and squeak of hinges echoed through the vaulted, almost empty chamber. When ushered through, Empress Adirn's small footsteps were amplified to the boom of heavy boots, a series of thunderclaps that closed in on the prone Countess Lascera.
"You eminence." Saluted one of the palace guards, kneeling comfortably whilst holding the Countess in a half Nelson.
“The vision of meekness herself.” Countess Lascera said into the floor.
“Good day. Do I take it that you are not ready to apologise yet, Countess Lascera?” The empress asked, as calmly as she could.
The countess made an attempt at laughing in Adirn’s face, but due to having her head held against the floor she couldn’t get very far. She laughed in Adirn’s audience chamber flagstones instead.
“Never. I feel no remorse for treating you with the respect you deserve.”
“Right. Well you can keep waiting then. As you were, guards. You’re doing a great job; thank you.” Said the empress, holding her head high despite the countess’ unkind words. They weren’t a patch on Katherine’s acid tongue.
“Waiting for what? For you to throw me in the dungeons? No torture will make me lower myself to apologising to you, little girl, so give up now.”
“Waiting to get up, of course. You’ll say you’re sorry or you won’t get up from that floor. Manners cost nothing, and to call what you did bad-mannered is putting it mildly.”
“You’re pathetic.”
“I’ll expect an apology for that as well! Come along, Captain Toxis. The countess will be here for us later.”
Holding her chin as high as she could, and therefore making it fairly difficult to see where she was walking, Adirn led the way back out of the audience chamber. She tripped up a stair towards the throne, much to the countess’ amusement.
“Goodness sakes.” Adirn muttered to herself , looking at her treacherous feet. “I swear I will rip every stair out of this damned palace.”
“Erm… is that an instruction, your eminence? We will do what we can.”
The empress snapped her head up and came face-to-face with a timid-looking administrator. He wore a plain black doublet with a surprising dearth of violent or macabre insignias.
“Oh, no it was just… never mind. Who are you? Did you need something?” The empress asked, continuing to walk out of the audience chamber so that Countess Lascera’s laughter was no longer in earshot.
“Me? I’m Lawrence, your eminence, and I exist to serve you. I have come to inform you that Barry the Despoiler is requesting an audience with you in your office.” Said the self-confessed Lawrence. “It’s concerning provisions for the palace, your eminence.”
“Pleasure to meet you Lawrence. I will grant Barry the Despoiler an audience. Lead the way.”
“Oh, right now? Yes certainly, your eminence.” Lawrence replied, taken unawares by a ruler’s swift acquiescence. “Right this way.”
Captain Toxis and Empress Adirn followed as the administrator scurried ahead.
“I have an office?” Adirn asked her captain of the guard quietly.
“Yes, eminence. Did you think that the figurehead of the Onyx Empire would be denied such a banal facility as an office? A simple room with a desk?”
“I… well, no but… I just hadn’t heard it mentioned yet. And I assumed that my predecessors would have favoured a torture room, or a murder balcony or some such.”
“There are four of each that I could direct you to, if you wish…”
Adirn sighed.
“We’ll put it on the list of renovations to have them re-fitted. Probably as complaint rooms for annoyed aristocrats who want their gallows back.”
“Such complaints tend to come by way of blade, your eminence. Countess Lascera’s example was fairly typical.” Keto pointed out.
Adirn and the captain followed Lawrence back towards the Imperial Malignancy Chambers, but turned into a surprisingly brightly lit corridor just before the entrance, culminating in a spacious and well-appointed office. Two floor-to-ceiling leaded windows illuminated the room from behind and overlooked the City of Torment. Sunlight failed to bounce from the matte black surfaces of the city, giving it the look of an endless abyssal sea with the occasionally chimney poking from the waves. Standing in front of those windows was Empress Adirn’s enormous desk. A broad and perfectly smooth obsidian slab rested on four inverted-L shaped onyx legs, its surface sparsely covered with a few silver quills, a platinum ink pot, and several suspiciously large and sharp letter openers. A silver candelabra in the shape of a multi-headed serpent, each mouth holding a partially melted black candle, sat waiting to illuminate all manner of clandestine, cruel paperwork.
“Would you have me fetch Barry the Despoiler now, your eminence?” Asked Lawrence, wringing his hands in front of himself.
“Yes, please. Thank you.” She replied, staring at the lead strips on the window.
“Uh… I… you’re welcome, your eminence. Right away.” Lawrence stammered, hurrying from the room.
“You’d think these people have never been spoken to with basic courtesy or manners before.” Adirn lamented to Captain Toxis.
“There’s a reason for that…” Keto started, but Adirn held up a hand.
“Yes, I realise that was a stupid comment to make. People who would want their palace to look like this would clearly not treat their staff with that much respect. Why does the window need to be decorated with a boot crushing a windmill? What does even mean?”
“Mistress of the Records Katherine could surely find out for you, your eminence, but I am a simple guardsman.” Captain Toxis replied.
“I’d rather not know. She’ll assume I’m trying to have it destroyed.”
Captain Toxis looked at Adirn with a raised eyebrow.
“I’m not saying she’d be wrong! Just that she’ll assume it and get that attitude of hers.” The empress clarified irritably. “I suppose I should take a seat. Please also feel free to sit on one of those…” She looked closer at a collection of chairs either side of the door “… oversized granite horse skulls. I don’t know if that’s better or worse than human skulls at this stage.”
“Better, your eminence; they’re flatter on top so it’s easier to stay in place.” Keto replied. “But I will remain standing if it suits you.”
Adirn waved a hand acceptingly and moved to her own chair behind the desk. It was wrought from pure silver and upholstered with a deep crimson fabric on the seat and back. She refused to speculate on the internal padding. Upsettingly, if not unexpectedly, the top of the seatback was moulded into two spears that crossed one another behind her head. Whilst not terrible in and of itself, the fact that they had co-skewered a tiny silver washerwoman just seemed unnecessary.
The empress sat herself down regardless and shuffled around to look for comfort. There was little to find. This seat had clearly been made for a ruler of at least twice her size in every dimension; she sank into the depths of the cushion and sat in the shadow of the seatback that towered above her. Neither of her feet were making contact with the floor.
“This is ridiculous. Was Emperor Tyrannick really so huge?”
“The late emperor was of generous frame, your eminence. He also had a penchant for keeping a sword at either hip in case his house staff needed to be punished spontaneously. That requires a more accommodating chair.” Captain Toxis informed her.
Giving up on attempts to sit up straight, Adirn instead leaned over on one arm rest. Laying her arm down along it, her hand came naturally to grasp the smooth, orb-shaped end-piece. She sighed as her fingers found two familiar eye sockets.
“There we go. I was just thinking that I’d seen far too few skulls in here.” She mumbled.
The sound of approaching footsteps drew Adirn’s attention away from the chair’s various design flaws and towards the office doorway. Through it, thanks to Adirn’s newly adopted open-door policy, she could see Lawrence leading a portly, middle-aged gentleman towards her along the corridor. Facing directly towards it from her deskbound position, Adirn couldn’t help making eye contact with each of the approaching men while they were still far from respectable vocal greeting range. She looked away at the desk, then realised that it would be obvious that she was simply avoiding their eye. When she looked back up there was eye contact again, and an awkward half-smile from the presumed Barry the Despoiler. Adirn suppressed the urge to give a small wave and break the tension as they walked along the calamitously long corridor towards her.
Barry looked away, at something in the lower left corner of the corridor. Lawrence looked slightly above Adirn’s head and tried to maintain a neutral expression. Adirn’s eyes flicked from one of them to the other, and then to Captain Toxis who had assumed his normal position of leaning against a wall. The visitors were still several strides away from even a loud greeting. The empress shuffled slightly in her seat but couldn’t make any major changes to her position without sliding off the chair entirely. She and Barry the Despoiler looked forwards again at the same time, caught one another’s gaze, and simultaneously looked away. A tightening knot of discomfort in Adirn’s gut made her wish that she’d closed the door after Lawrence, but it was definitely too late to do so now. It would just look like she were slamming it in Barry the Despoiler’s face as a power play.
Adirn picked up one of the letter openers and turned it in her hands idly. It was terribly difficult to believe that any letters were so robustly sealed as to require a serrated blade, and she’d never known it to be necessary to include a blood gutter in any tool for opening correspondence. With a grim chuckle that she couldn’t suppress, Adirn wondered if this was for opening the messenger rather than the message.
Looking back up with a mixture of pride and disgust at herself, the empress saw a flash of discomfort on Barry the Despoiler’s face. All at once it dawned on Adirn that she’d waited for her visitor to approach and then picked up a particularly cruel blade, turned it slowly in her hands, and then chuckled to herself. In a momentary panic she tossed the knife down onto the desk, allowing it to clatter noisily against the other tools of evisceration.
“Good day!” She said in desperation, having to raise her voice.
“Er, greetings your eminence.” Lawrence replied, trying not to sound like he was having to shout. “May I please introduce to you, Barry the Despoiler.” He said with panic in his eyes, still walking but also trying to bow at the end of his statement.
“An honour to meet with you, your eminence.” Barry the Despoiler said, a little breathlessly as he jogged forward to cross the threshold.
“Likewise, Barry the Despoiler. Please, take a seat.” Adirn said. She pointed to an obsidian boar skull that stood on the opposite side of the desk.
“Thank you, your eminence.” He said, squatting down to rest his appreciable buttocks on the skull. Adirn watched with a sinking feeling as his legs tensed up. It seemed that the polished surface of the boar skull didn’t make it easy to keep his seat in place.
“You may sit too, if you’d like, Lawrence.” The empress offered. Lawrence’s concerned confusion made her regret that kindness immediately. “Because it’s better than you standing around and waiting. I’m not going to threaten or torture you.” She grumbled. Explaining herself was getting tiresome.
“Yes, thank you, your eminence. You are as wise as you are terrifying.” Lawrence said. Adirn scowled at him. “er… as you are kind?” he tried, with notably increased terror. The empress nodded to him, and cursed herself. There was no winning.
“So, Barry the Despoiler. What is it that I can do for you?” She asked. Although trying to look relaxed, the extremely inappropriate shape of her chair made that endeavour impossible.
“Well, your eminence, I have come with a simple question in the hope that I can serve you and your grand intentions for the empire most effectively.” He said, reading from some kind of pre-prepared mental script. “We all know that your incisive insights and sharp mind must be nourished, and you will surely know better than most what kind of nourishment would be best. It is in that vein that I have come to sample your wisdom, in asking if you have preferences in meals.” He finished.
Adirn’s eyes narrowed slightly.
“You’d like to know what I want for supper?”
“It would bring me no greater pleasure to make supper serve your will to the greatest possible extent. But even more than that, if I might be made privy to the wisdom of your long term dining intentions then procurement of the necessary ingredients may be planned and the training of lower ranking cuisine sergeants may be started. There need be no disappointment or failure of your schemes as a result of the wrong pastry being served.” Barry the Despoiler said. He smiled at her, but his knuckles were white against his knees.
“Right… so you’re the head chef, then?”
“I have the honour of being the Culinary General of your Kitchen Armies, your eminence.”
“Is that another of Emperor Tyrannick’s writs? To rename the kitchen staff like an army?” Adirn asked Captain Toxis directly.
“Not to my knowledge, your eminence.”
“I… with respect, your most indiscernible eminence, it was a decision I took having been inspired by Empress Vitriolica. She armed all of her palace staff such that invaders could meet resistance in all avenues, and such that should could consider the Skullery maids a part of her army in order to court martial them for improper polishing.” Explained Barry the Despoiler, stuck somewhere between pride and fear. “It seemed only fitting that we should be regimental within the kitchens, so that there would never be a need for another Pantry Massacre.”
Adirn dropped her head into her hands.
“I know that I will regret asking this, so please do not take my inevitable displeasure for anger at you, Barry the Despoiler. What was the Pantry Massacre?”
“It… it was a purge of treasonous elements of the kitchen armies. It was conducted in the pantry because that’s where the mop was stored at the time.”
The empress’ head did not rise. She spoke darkly into her hands.
“You are all chefs and cooks once again. No more of this military nonsense. And I have no particular dietary qualms, especially not to the level that might warrant executions, so you may exercise free reign over what you serve me.” She said. “And as you are a chef, why is that, may I ask, that you are known as Barry the Despoiler?”
“I… er….” He stammered. “… I thought it to be more fitting of a general to be called the Despoiler, your eminence.”
“It pleased Emperor Tyrannick to no end, your eminence.” Captain Toxis said, with a smirk.
“It does not please me to think that someone preparing my breakfast would despoil anything. Spoiled is the opposite of what I want for my food. Please find something more pleasant to call yourself.”
Barry the Former Despoiler looked at empress. There was a weariness in her voice that he’d never heard from another ruler. He was more accustomed to rage or spite. It was peculiar.
“Erm… certainly, your eminence. I shall be Barry the Preserver. For my salt and smoke shall prevent despoiling of anything.” He said, as if it had been planned along.
“Good enough. Is there anything else?” Adirn asked, finally deigning to look up. The space around her eyes was red where she’d rubbed it with her hands.
“No, thank you eminence. I shall aim to please.” Barry the Preserver said. He still gripped his thighs but now looked at Adirn expectantly. She held his eye for a few moments, then twigged.
“Oh. You may be about your business. You don’t need to wait for me to dismiss you.”
He stood up immediately, slipping backwards across the boar’s skull but managing to catch himself before tumbling over.
“Thank you, eminence.” He said with a bow. Lawrence approached and also bowed, before leading Barry away.
Adirn was treated to another extended viewing of the two men walking along a corridor, but this time watching the backs of their heads. Once they were out of earshot she turned to Captain Toxis.
“Remind me to close the door next time I’m expecting guests, Keto. That was painful.”
“What door would that be, your eminence?” Asked the Captain of the Guard, suspiciously leadingly.
“The door to this office of course…” Adirn said, pointing towards the doorway. As she followed her own fingers, however, she saw only a wall. It was the same on the other side of the doorway. There were no hinges in sight. It was just a permanently open portal. “Oh come on!”
“Emperor Tyrannick liked it this way, your eminence. He never once looked away as a guest approached the office. Said it always gave him the upper hand.”
Adirn shuddered. That was probably the worst thing yet.
“We’ll get one fitted. There is much work to do here.” She sighed. “I feel that I am constantly learning more and more atrocious things about this empire and it is does not serve me to have them all come as surprises. Would you please send for Katherine to attend me? I have need of some lessons.”
“Right away, your eminence. It will, of course, mean leaving you alone. Are you sure that this is what you want?”
Adirn looked down at the letter-deliverer openers, and then nodded.
“I should be fine.”
Katherine had arrived in a deeply conflicted mood. Having been disturbed from carrying out the empress’ previous instruction of removing all robes from the Skull Chamber, she had been ready to snipe about the demanding and fickle nature of Adirn as a ruler. Once learning that the summons was for tutelage about the running of the empire and its history, however, she had softened and appreciated that Empress Deepgrave was trying to better herself. This then naturally led to suspicions over what else would be erased from their culture once the empress knew about it. By the time she was face to face with Adirn, she’d not known what kind of attitude to take. As a default, she settled on judgemental.
After the initial interrogation on why Adirn wasn’t sitting up straight in her chair, and a short argument about why the new empress felt that becoming much larger to suit the furniture was beneath her, Katherine proved herself to be an exemplary tutor. Her knowledge of the culture and traditions of the empire over its long and muddy history was impressive, as was her ability not to spend all day weeping inconsolably over the content of all that history.
For her part, Adirn was also an adept student. Whilst the empress’ reactions to the actions of previous rulers led to Katherine’s eyes spending approximately half of their time rolling, she absorbed history like a naïve sponge. Years spent in her library back at Deepgrave Manor had attuned her to assimilating and understanding the twists of political intrigue and the pitfalls of international diplomacy. The ignorance that she’d shown to the culture of her own empire was still a shock to Katherine, but it became rapidly apparent that it wouldn’t last forever. Nor, the Mistress of Records suspected, would those traditions with which Adirn disagreed.
Only when the sunlight pouring in through the window’s boot and windmill had turned to a golden yellow did Adirn stop Katherine recounting the tale of Empress Spinesbane the Breaker’s rise to power.
“I think her unique method for reducing overpopulation in the outer villages can remain a mystery until tomorrow, Katherine. I’m beginning to lose focus.” Adirn said, she’d curled up into a ball on the seat of the chair.
“Very well. I do also have to continue revising the use of robes out of our traditions for meetings of the Dark Council.” She said. Letting something go was not one of Katherine’s talents.
“I suppose that you wouldn’t be willing to change the name ‘Dark Council’ while you’re at it?”
“You suppose correctly.” Katherine said severely. “Although I must confess that I hadn’t expected ‘The Scourge of Hangings’ herself to sit so happily at a desk like this.”
Adirn gave Katherine a confused look. The Mistress of Records sighed.
“Look at the legs.”
The empress leaned down to look at the legs of her desk, and sighed. The inverted-L shapes in each corner were, in fact, miniature gallows.
“I thank you for your tutelage, Katherine.” Adirn said wearily. “I shall send for you again tomorrow.”
“I cannot wait, your eminence.” Said the Mistress of Records, standing slowly from a silver Ox skull and rubbing at her sore legs.
“Captain Toxis, I feel that we should check on Countess Lascera before retiring to the dining room. She’s going to apologise to me if it takes all night.” Adirn said. Keto Toxis had spent the whole extended lesson in history leaning casually against the wall, barely seeming to move or grow bored.
“Of course, your eminence. I would imagine that all night is an optimistic estimate.”
For the third time that day, Adirn entered her audience chamber. The small team of guards had changed position, apparently taking shifts to keep Countess Lascera restrained. Otherwise, the only change was that Countess Lascera had managed to cross her legs, presumably because it was the only movement of which she was currently capable.
“Good evening, everyone.” The empress greeted, walking more softly this time to try to dampen the echo of her steps.
“Your eminence.” They more-or-less chorused back.
“Managed to keep your footing this time?” Lascera mocked. The venom was still there, but her voice sounded strained.
“That’s not what I came here to hear, Countess. You need only apologise to me.”
“And I told you never. Throw me in the dungeon now. I’ll not speak.”
Adirn rubbed at the bridge of her nose.
“I feel like you’re not listening to me. I told you that you will not be moving from this spot until you have apologised, and that is the case.” It was surprisingly difficult to keep having this argument, even though it required doing next to nothing.
“And I told you that I won’t do it. So take me do the dungeon!”
Adirn frowned and looked to Captain Toxis. Keto shrugged.
“You seem very intent on getting into my dungeon, Countess Lascera. Is there something you want down there?” Asked the empress, now curious.
“A break from your dogged insistence on that which won’t happen.” Replied the captive, after momentary hesitation.
“Hmm. I find that hard to believe. But you’ll not be moving. I shall have bread and water brought to you so that you do not starve.”
“You stupid child! Just put me in a cell!” Screamed the countess. A desperation erupted that cracked her voice.
“That’s a third apology I’m due.” Adirn replied simply, as she turned away.
Adirn leaned back in her chair at the dining table, and watched the black candles burn down. This third meal she’d eaten in the imperial palace had been slightly easier to get through than the previous two, since she was getting used to plates that depicted particularly notable executions of traitors throughout history. The snake’s head goblets were easy enough to drink from if the fangs were avoided, and although unsettling the spoons shaped like a beggar’s hands still did the job. Much to her surprise, Adirn was even beginning to find using a miniature halberd as a knife rather enjoyable.
At her insistence, Captain Toxis had joined her to eat rather than retiring to the barracks. It was the first time she’d seen him look even slightly uncomfortable, including the time he’d spent with a knife stuck in the abdomen of his armour.
“Was everything to your liking, Keto?” she asked. His empty plate already gave away the answer, but it seemed like the sort of thing to say.
“Yes, your eminence. Thank you.”
“Are you sure? You’ve not wryly corrected me on something the whole time we’ve been eating here.”
He looked up at her.
“I do not customarily eat with the ruler, your eminence. I am in your employ, not a member of the aristocracy.”
“You got stabbed for me. I think that earns a place at the table more than having a family-run business of drowning serfs.”
“The blade did not puncture my armour, your eminence.”
“I think it’s the thought that counts, Keto. But on the subject of Countess Lascera, I am concerned by her desire to be thrown in the dungeon. Is it possible that she has some contact there? A means of escape, perhaps?”
Captain Toxis straightened a little and immediately looked more like himself. Considering potential threats to the Empress was clearly more pleasurable than dining with her.
“The jailer has been employed here for years. As have the torturers. I cannot think of any who would have contact with Countess Lascera. She has often been given gifts from the prison in order to practice her arts, but they were always delivered rather than collected.” He explained, euphemistically.
“Hmm. And there are no secret escape routes of which she might avail herself?”
“There have been no escapes from the imperial prison in my lifetime, your eminence. Then again, the longest incarcerations tend to last but a few days before the torturers or executioners get involved.”
“Tended to. Past tense, please. Those practices are over now.” Adirn reminded him.
“Of course, your eminence.”
“Three times. Three times I’ve had to come back here just to ask you to say sorry.” Adirn said, once again standing over Countess Lascera. “This is the last time before I go to bed, so we’ll need to continue this conversation in the morning if you don’t apologise to me right now.”
Countess Lascera groaned into the floor. Her legs were crossed even more than before. A plate next to her had only crumbs of bread left, but the goblet of water was still completely full.
“No. You’ll have to throw me in the dungeon right now.” She wailed.
“You just don’t listen! I was hoping not to have to go to bed mad, but here we are. Until the morning, Countess. And don’t forget to drink your water; you’ve had nothing all day!” Adirn said, with disappointment.
“Please just send me to a cell!” Countess Lascera shrieked.
“Please just apologise, then.” Adirn countered. “I don’t understand your obsession with the dungeons.”
“Because it has a privy!” Bellowed the captive, on the verge of sobbing. “It has a privy and I have been here, on the floor, for a whole day! You gave me water to taunt me! You won’t let me up and relieve myself! I need to… to go…”
Adirn felt the blood leave her face. It hadn’t even been a consideration in her mind. Slowly, she faced the countess again.
“Then please apologise to me for throwing a knife, and twice more for insulting me, and once again for making me come here a third time just before bed.” The empress ordered. There was a quivering in her voice, as her stubbornness battled the rising sense of guilt at inadvertently torturing Countess Lascera.
“Oh for badness sakes! You win! I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! For the blade, for the insults, for thinking you weak.” Countess Lascera cried. Adirn could see tears roll down her cheeks. “I’m sorry for everything.”
No-one spoke for a few seconds. A sense of tangible shock hung over the small group of guards, the captive, and the empress.
“I accept your apology. You may go freely. Someone please direct her to the nearest privy.” Adirn said. The collected guards and Captain Toxis looked at her with gaping mouths.
“Thank you, your eminence!” Countess Lascera said, leaping to her feet as the guards released her and sprinting for the door. She didn’t even pause for her knives.
“Get after her, then. I’d still prefer she had an escort until she was safely on her way home.” Adirn told one of the guards. With a quick salute he trotted off after her.
Captain Toxis still simply stared. It was as if the empress had just grown another set of limbs in front of him.
“You see? Sometimes you just need to make people think about their actions and say sorry. They can be better people. None of this execution lark.” She told the room in general. In the back of her mind, a glimmer of hope that things might not be so bad after all started to shine.
Once crowned Adirn Deepgrave could see first-hand she could see the finery that surrounded the seat of imperial power, and it was indeed of unsurpassed quality. It was just a shame that those before her had a preference for the instruments of torment and mortality, over the literary arts. But it had taught her that the greatest, most comforting possession of all had been hers all her life; namely, the hands in which she buried her face, whilst curled up on the floor. No-one could look her in the face and wait expectantly to be ordered to the gallows. Nothing could catch her eye and invite her curious mind to determine how it had been used to harm a person. She didn’t have to see an aristocrat espousing the virtue of skinning people. There was only the soothing warmth of a palm, and the calming darkness of fingers over her eyes. It couldn’t last forever though. Quite aside from the imperial duties to which she knew she must attend, her thighs were getting catastrophically tired from the unannounced squat that they’d been forced to endure.
“OK.” She said, opening a gap in her hands through which the words could pass. “I’m ready.”
Captain Toxis maintained a watch over his empress. Her words said one thing, but her continued curling on the floor said another.
“That’s good news, your eminence. Can I expect you to stand, or shall I send for a sedan chair?”
Tempting as the idea of a sedan chair was, Adirn didn’t think it could be trusted. The chance of it being made entirely out of human skulls was just too great, especially considering that Mary the Skullery maid would be forced to clean it top to bottom after use.
“No thank you. I’m getting up.”
The empress allowed her hands to drop to her sides, their medicinal business concluded for the moment, and pushed with both legs. Already burning from the squat, her thighs made their displeasure known. Even her knees, stiff from being held in place for so long, joined in with their own picket-line of tight soreness. Leather panels in the imperial trousers creaked. It was just one more victory for the unique brand of dignity that Adirn championed.
“Where do we go now?” She said, once the ordeal of standing was completed.
“I was to understand that you wished to sign your laws as soon as you could, your eminence. One can only assume that the rest of your council is gathering in the skull chamber as we speak.”
Adirn groaned softly. It had been foolhardy to tire out her legs with anxiety-squatting when she knew full well that there was a long climb up God-Gouger tower ahead of her. Neither acknowledging nor lamenting the folly would negate its impact though.
“Yes. Yes of course. I’m sure they will all be just as reasonable as they were yesterday, especially after the rousing success story that was my audience.” The empress said drily. She could have sworn that she saw the beginnings of a smirk on Captain Toxis’ face, but he swallowed it down well.
Adirn’s second climb up God-Gouger tower was markedly easier than her first. Wearing a ceremonial gown that wanted to always find its way beneath her feet, or trail behind her to find the feet of another, had in hindsight not been the best choice for ascending a perilous staircase; that had apparently not been a selection criterion for the dressmaker, however.
“This is so much easier in trousers.” She told Captain Toxis, without the slightest hint of context.
“As you say, your eminence.” He replied. With or without understanding, his position was not to question the empress’ wisdom when delivered so bluntly. As long as he kept climbing after her, step after step, and kept stopping the blades from finding her flesh, then his job was done.
Despite the reduction in difficulty offered by trousers over a dress, Adirn still reached the top of the tower in a state of breathlessness. Echoing up the staircase from far below her she’d started to hear other voices, which quickly faded into other sources of panting, so she knew that the other council members were on their way. It would be prudent to compose herself before they could see her.
With both forearms pressed against the wall, Adirn leaned forwards and tried to catch her breath. Captain Toxis rested his back against the door frame, showing no signs of exertion, and waited patiently.
“How do you do that?” Adirn panted, looking at Toxis from under one arm. “And in chainmail?”
Keto shrugged.
“Used to it, your eminence.”
“Maybe I’ll get used to it too, then.” She said, more from hope than anything else. Captain Toxis offered no comment.
The empress pushed away from the wall and nodded to Captain Toxis. Casually he stood up straight and pushed the skull chamber door open.
Inside the chamber, sitting prominently on the upper teeth of the skull table, was a folded piece of parchment. In large, black lettering it read: 'The Almighty Virum Sees All, Especially Those Not In Their Robes!'
"That bloody priestess."
"She is the grand priestess, your eminence. The Bloody Priestess died many years ago in the Blood Riots." Captain Toxis corrected.
"I didn't mean... who was the Bloody Priestess?"
"Well she-"
"Actually, you know what, sorry. Never mind. I'd rather not know right now. It's more important to stop the grand and bloodless priestess trying to undermine me."
Through the door Adirn could hear the voices getting louder, which meant that they would be in visual range of the sign before too long. The empress hadn't checked her clothing for pockets until that point. Her usual habit of stuffing her hands into whatever pockets she could find had been suppressed by the miracle of imperial stress. Right then, however, she patted the sides of her doublet to check for any handy hiding places into which she might sequester the sign. Alas, the pockets she found were too small to fit either her hands or the sign, even after significant crushing and crumpling of either.
Glancing instead around the room, the empress found her options for hiding a sign to be severely limited. Having taken the design-brief of ‘make the room look like the inside of a skull’ to heart, there were no shelves, cubbyholes or other furnishings in which to stash a subversive note.
“You’d think a chamber to house clandestine meetings would have hiding places, but there’s nothing here. Apart from the robes, I guess, but I refuse to have anything to do with them. Why is everyone scared of being in Almighty Virum’s gaze anyway? I thought the gods were meant to be able to see everything whatever happened, and having them looking over you was a good thing?”
“I assume you’ve not attended many services in the Cathedral of the Abyss.” Keto speculated.
“The Abyss you say… yeah, that seems about right.”
The voices outside had reached the door. Any time for hiding signage had run out.
“I’ll think of something.”Adirn said to a largely unconcerned Captain Toxis.
Breathing heavily, as was the inevitable tradition for arrivals to the Skull Chamber, council members began to stagger through the door on wearied legs. First came Count Rott with Arch-Bishop Dagoth, both red in the face. Their eyes were immediately drawn to the sign. Count Rott flicked his attention between the threatening sign, the collection of robes, and the distinctly un-robed empress & captain. Once again he was locked in an unsolvable dilemma.
“Are you not robing, your eminence?” Arch-Bishop Dagoth asked, removing one from the hooks for herself and another for the count.
“I’d rather not get into this again, but no I am not. And no-one else needs to.”
From behind them appeared Lord Infernus, Lady Vipus, and Lord Tabius Lloyd. Tabius was loudly declaring that the new empresses reforms were all but confirmed as a scheme to crash the gallows market, such that she could take the work away from good, honest, Onyxian landowners. When he realised that Adirn was already in the room, and definitely within earshot, he shot her a toothy smile.
“Allegedly.” He claimed, raising both hands in mock surrender. “I’d never accuse you of anything like that in the absence of proof, of course, your eminence.”
“I’m sure.” Adirn said flatly.
“Would you like me to ensure his silence, your eminence?” Keto muttered in Adirn’s ear. She thought about it for a moment, and then panicked when she realised that she hadn’t rejected the idea out of hand.
“No!” The empress blurted in her shock. “No, that won’t be necessary.” She added more quietly.
Viscount Sinistere was next, helping Mistress of Records Katherine up in a surprisingly kind display that could only have stemmed from needing her favour. Duchess Asphyxia was the last of the council to arrive, a minute or so later. With a short half-jog she scurried into the room, as if she’d been hurrying all the way here, and pushed the door closed. Reflexively she grabbed a robe, and was half way to pulling it over her head before seeing the rest of the council standing in robeless silence before the empress.
“Ah.” She said softly, lowering her arms again.
Adirn was faced with a council that was over twice as large as it had been the day before. Either she'd met with an atrophied council before, because none of the other council members respected her, or they were multiplying. Adirn didn't know which idea she liked least.
"Is that everyone? A lot of you weren't here yesterday and I don't want to have to explain myself multiple times." The empress said with as much authority as she could manage. Having another aristocrat restrained downstairs in the audience chamber certainly helped her in that effort.
"Yes, your eminence. That's all of us who are currently within the borders of your illustrious empire." Viscount Sinistere crooned. “Except for the Grand Priestess, but she does not have legal purview over law-making in any case. And, er… Countess Lascera, of course.”
Adirn wiped the oil of Viscount Sinistere’s words from herself.
"Wonderful. Right, first of all, no robes. They're ridiculous and I hate them." There was worried murmuring from those who had not been in the previous day’s council. “I went through this in detail for those who turned up yesterday.” Adirn added. Some of the murmuring turned to squirming.
"But... what of the note?!" Asked Lord Infernus nervously, pointing towards the table in case there were any doubt as to which note he meant.
"Ah.” Said the empress, stalling for a few more moments to craft her deception. “That's obviously the church's support of my reform.”
Captain Toxis looked at her with a suspicious curiosity.
“You see, Virum can see you more clearly when you're not hidden behind a robe. Can see your actions in his name and appreciate your deeds." Explained the empress. She didn’t feel good about lying, but she would have felt worse about putting a robe on. “When we hide ourselves from him, then it makes him think we are trying to subvert his will.”
There was a pensive silence and a series of worried faces in the Skull Chamber. In the council members’ experiences of the church, much as Captain Toxis had suggested, having Virum's attention only ever ended poorly. However, the Empress was making a kind of sense, which was more than could be said about most who tried to explain the machinations of Almighty Virum.
"Well there have been a lot of failed invasions formulated while wearing the robes..." Count Rott thought out loud.
"Almighty Virum's blessings certainly weren't with us when Mount Agony spilled ash and magma onto Castle Infernus." Agreed the eponymous baron. “And that was during a robed meeting of the Dark Council.”
Adirn nodded quietly. She couldn’t believe her luck; they were actively convincing themselves of the truth of her words.
“The Almighty Virum tends to smite those in his vision, rather than favour them.” Archi-Biship Dagoth said, tersely.
“That’s a matter of ecumenical debate between you and the Grand Priestess.” Deflected the empress, without even thinking about it.
“Perhaps it is…” The Arch-Bishop pulled a black and gold notebook from a pocket in her long, flowing red and black robes. On its cover Adirn could make out the words ‘Bad Sins’, implying the devastating existence of ‘Good Sins’. A hastily scribbled note later, the notebook disappeared back into the folds of fabric.
“Surely, your eminence, the Grand Priestess would simply have removed the robes if she wanted to stop their use. Rather than simply leaving a note, I mean.” Lord Tabius Lloyd asked. He made a show of looking innocently curious, but no masquerade could hide the icy glint in his eyes.
The empress swallowed. Her wits had been fast before, but a lack of practice in sustained lying was slowing her down.
“And deprive herself of the opportunity to punish someone as a sinner? Better to leave the temptation in place and let the faithful prove themselves, knowing the Grand Priestess.” Interjected Lady Vipus, apparently a serial recipient of the Grand Priestess’ judgement. As Adirn allowed herself a small sigh of relief, Tabius Lloyd caught her eye.
“But this is not a matter for debate. The robes are to be removed today and they shall not be worn again.” She hastily added. Conversation needed to be moved along.
“What about during the winter?” Count Rott said. “It gets very cold up this high in the winter months.”
“Fine. They can be worn in the winter, but only for warmth and with the hoods strictly down.” Conceded the empress. “Now there’ll be no more distractions. We’re here to witness the signing of my first declaration. Katherine, would you please present us with the document?”
“Of course, your eminence.” Said the Mistress of Records, almost cheerfully. From one long, baggy sleeve she pulled a rolled-up parchment, and laid it on the Skull Table, next to a quill and inkwell.
“Oh. Thank you very much.”
Katherine bowed her head respectfully. As Adirn lifted the quill, wiping some excess ink on the edge of the inkwell, the Mistress of Records leaned in.
“It is customary to read the words first, your eminence. That way you are literally declaring it to the room.” She instructed, but for possibly the first time ever there was no snark. The Empress’ eyes flickered around the room, looking for the assassin. The only reasonable explanation was that Katherine was being paid off to keep her busy while malign forces arranged an execution, because when else would the old bag ever hide her feelings of disappointment in Adirn?
There were no obvious assassins in the room. Aside from the Dark Council themselves, of course.
“Yes, Katherine. Of course.” Adirn cleared her throat. “I, Empress Adirn Deepgrave, the first of her name, declare that henceforth all hangings, drownings, burnings, flayings, flagellation, well-poisonings, tooth-pullings, ear-pushings…” she stopped, and stared at the page. “Ear-pushings?”
“A speciality of Auros the Crippler, your eminence. She will not be pleased, but it was within the remit of the law as you described it to me.” Katherine said. Disappointment danced around the edges of her voice in a way that Adirn couldn’t quite quantify. “She is currently leading a delegation to the Disciples of the Ever-Listening Ear; one of the final requests of Emperor Tyrannick before his untimely demise. We will of course make sure that she doesn’t continue such practices upon her return.”
“Well… yes we can’t have that.” The empress agreed. She looked back down at the declaration in order to stop thinking about it. “Where was I… ear-pushings, tyings to a post in the sea, plus the other, non-daily, forms of torture or execution are hereby forbidden in the Onyx Empire. Their practice shall be ceased, and all peripheral equipment destroyed or repurposed.” Adirn finished. She frowned. “All of these were being committed daily?”
“We made sure that these services never failed, your eminence. We have committed ourselves to them and sacrificed much for them.” Lord Infernus lamented.
“Much for them, or many to them?” the empress asked cuttingly.
“Both. The point is that these are our main focuses, our reasons for being! How will we make our money if not by torturing it out of our peons? What do you expect my village-burners to do now?” He demanded.
“Something useful! Goodness me, it’s no wonder the empire is in such a state if all of its most powerful people spend their time either murdering, torturing, or arguing about their rights to murder and torture!”
“That is not true! We also spend a lot of time, effort and resources planning surprise attacks against the White Alliance! We’ve had a surprise attack every two years without fail for the last two decades. Like clockwork!” Count Rott snapped back.
“Surprise attacks like clockwork? Is that another genius move that The White Alliance would never expect because it’s so stupid?” Adirn snapped.
“Yes! Exactly!” Count Rott replied. His anger quickly fizzled away into introspection. “Although you do make a good point as to how they managed to expect so many unexpected things…”
“Right, now if I recall correctly, you all fervently denounced these very practices in my audience hall earlier, so I will not hear any more arguments. The law is now in place!”
Katherine sighed heavily.
“Only once you sign the decree, your eminence. You did so well in the audience hall at quashing revolt. Please don’t start disappointing me again so soon, even if there is a huge force of habit behind the practice.” Said the mistress of records, finding her bottomless well of disdain yet again.
“Ah, yes. Right. Of course.” Adirn accepted. She dipped the quill in the ink. “Just here at the bottom?”
“Yes, your eminence. Right next to where it says ‘so decreed by…’. You’ll need to sign your own name and not just some other word, for the sake of clarity. Is that sufficiently clear?” Katherine sniped, settling back into her old ways easily.
Empress Adirn ignored it and put her nib to the paper. A few seconds later, her scrawled name was in place. She’d made a law. She’d forced her views on people she’d never met, and would never meet. For a moment, Adirn looked down at her own name on the paper and wondered if she really did know better than everyone else.
“Yes, that’s the name you just signed, your eminence. It won’t go anywhere now.” Katherine said, pulling the decree away from Adirn in the fear that she might start doodling something else on the page.
There was a silence in the skull chamber, save for the rustling of Katherine shoving a newly signed decree back up her sleeve. The assembled nobles shot glances at one another ranging from fear, to anger, to disbelief, and Captain Toxis scanned his gaze across them all for any sign of dissent. They all avoided his eye.
“Well, I believe that concludes matters here. Unless anyone else has something to bring to my attention that they didn’t see fit to say during our audience earlier, you may be on your ways.” Adirn said, feeling awkward but trying to sound commanding. She could feel the resentment in the room, but there was nothing to be done about it. In a suspiciously orderly fashion the nobles filtered out of the skull chamber, with the occasional muttered word exchanged but no open conversation.
“I fear that you’ve not made friends here today.” Captain Toxis said, once they were alone with Katherine. Sunlight was spilling into the room through the high, skull-shaped windows, positioned where the temples of the skull-shaped room were. Dust motes floated serenely where murder and torture had been outlawed.
“They had their chance to speak up again, and they decided against it.”
“Arguing with you about it didn’t get them anywhere before, and they’re not accustomed to having to debate their right to hang their serfs.” Katherine observed. “I should know that arguing with you rarely helps.” It sounded like an admonition.
“You think they’ll try something underhanded?”
Toxis and Katherine both laughed. It was a strange sound in the Onyx Empire to have laughter in isolation from the screams of another, but one that Adirn hoped to make more common. If it could stop happening exclusively at her expense too, then that would be even better.
“Alright, alright. Point taken. We’ll have to be on our guard.” The Empress huffed.
“Always, your eminence. It was more or less a guarantee that one of your council would act against you at some point. All you’ve really done is make it likely to happen sooner.” Captain Toxis said, with a matter-of-factness that Adirn thought was meant to be comforting.
“Then it reassures me to know that you’re already keeping your eyes open. Speaking of which, I believe we should check on Countess Lascera again. I’d like to see if she’s ready to apologise yet.” Adirn said, holding her head up high so that she could look down her nose at the hypothetical location of the countess.
“As you wish, your eminence.”
“Oh, and Katherine? Could you please organise for these robes to be removed? I’d like for the records of our traditions, clandestine or otherwise, to be updated accordingly as well.”
“I’ll just change the entry in my big book of Empress Adirn Deepgrave’s great ideas for the empire. Any more history you’d like to sweepingly erase? Maybe do away with our flag or burn down the Crypt of Horrors?” Katherine snapped.
Adirn thought silently for a few moments. Anything called the Crypt of Horrors sounded like the exact sort of place to be burned down immediately. But she didn’t want to rise to the Mistress of Records this time.
“Just the robes for now will be fine, thank you.”
“Very well, your eminence. Rest assured that the accumulated culture of centuries will not be allowed to bother you, nor will you need to be slightly too warm for the sake of our national identity.”
Adirn nodded curtly and strode out of the skull chamber.
Captain Toxis pushed open the audience chamber door slowly, but still the creak of wood and squeak of hinges echoed through the vaulted, almost empty chamber. When ushered through, Empress Adirn's small footsteps were amplified to the boom of heavy boots, a series of thunderclaps that closed in on the prone Countess Lascera.
"You eminence." Saluted one of the palace guards, kneeling comfortably whilst holding the Countess in a half Nelson.
“The vision of meekness herself.” Countess Lascera said into the floor.
“Good day. Do I take it that you are not ready to apologise yet, Countess Lascera?” The empress asked, as calmly as she could.
The countess made an attempt at laughing in Adirn’s face, but due to having her head held against the floor she couldn’t get very far. She laughed in Adirn’s audience chamber flagstones instead.
“Never. I feel no remorse for treating you with the respect you deserve.”
“Right. Well you can keep waiting then. As you were, guards. You’re doing a great job; thank you.” Said the empress, holding her head high despite the countess’ unkind words. They weren’t a patch on Katherine’s acid tongue.
“Waiting for what? For you to throw me in the dungeons? No torture will make me lower myself to apologising to you, little girl, so give up now.”
“Waiting to get up, of course. You’ll say you’re sorry or you won’t get up from that floor. Manners cost nothing, and to call what you did bad-mannered is putting it mildly.”
“You’re pathetic.”
“I’ll expect an apology for that as well! Come along, Captain Toxis. The countess will be here for us later.”
Holding her chin as high as she could, and therefore making it fairly difficult to see where she was walking, Adirn led the way back out of the audience chamber. She tripped up a stair towards the throne, much to the countess’ amusement.
“Goodness sakes.” Adirn muttered to herself , looking at her treacherous feet. “I swear I will rip every stair out of this damned palace.”
“Erm… is that an instruction, your eminence? We will do what we can.”
The empress snapped her head up and came face-to-face with a timid-looking administrator. He wore a plain black doublet with a surprising dearth of violent or macabre insignias.
“Oh, no it was just… never mind. Who are you? Did you need something?” The empress asked, continuing to walk out of the audience chamber so that Countess Lascera’s laughter was no longer in earshot.
“Me? I’m Lawrence, your eminence, and I exist to serve you. I have come to inform you that Barry the Despoiler is requesting an audience with you in your office.” Said the self-confessed Lawrence. “It’s concerning provisions for the palace, your eminence.”
“Pleasure to meet you Lawrence. I will grant Barry the Despoiler an audience. Lead the way.”
“Oh, right now? Yes certainly, your eminence.” Lawrence replied, taken unawares by a ruler’s swift acquiescence. “Right this way.”
Captain Toxis and Empress Adirn followed as the administrator scurried ahead.
“I have an office?” Adirn asked her captain of the guard quietly.
“Yes, eminence. Did you think that the figurehead of the Onyx Empire would be denied such a banal facility as an office? A simple room with a desk?”
“I… well, no but… I just hadn’t heard it mentioned yet. And I assumed that my predecessors would have favoured a torture room, or a murder balcony or some such.”
“There are four of each that I could direct you to, if you wish…”
Adirn sighed.
“We’ll put it on the list of renovations to have them re-fitted. Probably as complaint rooms for annoyed aristocrats who want their gallows back.”
“Such complaints tend to come by way of blade, your eminence. Countess Lascera’s example was fairly typical.” Keto pointed out.
Adirn and the captain followed Lawrence back towards the Imperial Malignancy Chambers, but turned into a surprisingly brightly lit corridor just before the entrance, culminating in a spacious and well-appointed office. Two floor-to-ceiling leaded windows illuminated the room from behind and overlooked the City of Torment. Sunlight failed to bounce from the matte black surfaces of the city, giving it the look of an endless abyssal sea with the occasionally chimney poking from the waves. Standing in front of those windows was Empress Adirn’s enormous desk. A broad and perfectly smooth obsidian slab rested on four inverted-L shaped onyx legs, its surface sparsely covered with a few silver quills, a platinum ink pot, and several suspiciously large and sharp letter openers. A silver candelabra in the shape of a multi-headed serpent, each mouth holding a partially melted black candle, sat waiting to illuminate all manner of clandestine, cruel paperwork.
“Would you have me fetch Barry the Despoiler now, your eminence?” Asked Lawrence, wringing his hands in front of himself.
“Yes, please. Thank you.” She replied, staring at the lead strips on the window.
“Uh… I… you’re welcome, your eminence. Right away.” Lawrence stammered, hurrying from the room.
“You’d think these people have never been spoken to with basic courtesy or manners before.” Adirn lamented to Captain Toxis.
“There’s a reason for that…” Keto started, but Adirn held up a hand.
“Yes, I realise that was a stupid comment to make. People who would want their palace to look like this would clearly not treat their staff with that much respect. Why does the window need to be decorated with a boot crushing a windmill? What does even mean?”
“Mistress of the Records Katherine could surely find out for you, your eminence, but I am a simple guardsman.” Captain Toxis replied.
“I’d rather not know. She’ll assume I’m trying to have it destroyed.”
Captain Toxis looked at Adirn with a raised eyebrow.
“I’m not saying she’d be wrong! Just that she’ll assume it and get that attitude of hers.” The empress clarified irritably. “I suppose I should take a seat. Please also feel free to sit on one of those…” She looked closer at a collection of chairs either side of the door “… oversized granite horse skulls. I don’t know if that’s better or worse than human skulls at this stage.”
“Better, your eminence; they’re flatter on top so it’s easier to stay in place.” Keto replied. “But I will remain standing if it suits you.”
Adirn waved a hand acceptingly and moved to her own chair behind the desk. It was wrought from pure silver and upholstered with a deep crimson fabric on the seat and back. She refused to speculate on the internal padding. Upsettingly, if not unexpectedly, the top of the seatback was moulded into two spears that crossed one another behind her head. Whilst not terrible in and of itself, the fact that they had co-skewered a tiny silver washerwoman just seemed unnecessary.
The empress sat herself down regardless and shuffled around to look for comfort. There was little to find. This seat had clearly been made for a ruler of at least twice her size in every dimension; she sank into the depths of the cushion and sat in the shadow of the seatback that towered above her. Neither of her feet were making contact with the floor.
“This is ridiculous. Was Emperor Tyrannick really so huge?”
“The late emperor was of generous frame, your eminence. He also had a penchant for keeping a sword at either hip in case his house staff needed to be punished spontaneously. That requires a more accommodating chair.” Captain Toxis informed her.
Giving up on attempts to sit up straight, Adirn instead leaned over on one arm rest. Laying her arm down along it, her hand came naturally to grasp the smooth, orb-shaped end-piece. She sighed as her fingers found two familiar eye sockets.
“There we go. I was just thinking that I’d seen far too few skulls in here.” She mumbled.
The sound of approaching footsteps drew Adirn’s attention away from the chair’s various design flaws and towards the office doorway. Through it, thanks to Adirn’s newly adopted open-door policy, she could see Lawrence leading a portly, middle-aged gentleman towards her along the corridor. Facing directly towards it from her deskbound position, Adirn couldn’t help making eye contact with each of the approaching men while they were still far from respectable vocal greeting range. She looked away at the desk, then realised that it would be obvious that she was simply avoiding their eye. When she looked back up there was eye contact again, and an awkward half-smile from the presumed Barry the Despoiler. Adirn suppressed the urge to give a small wave and break the tension as they walked along the calamitously long corridor towards her.
Barry looked away, at something in the lower left corner of the corridor. Lawrence looked slightly above Adirn’s head and tried to maintain a neutral expression. Adirn’s eyes flicked from one of them to the other, and then to Captain Toxis who had assumed his normal position of leaning against a wall. The visitors were still several strides away from even a loud greeting. The empress shuffled slightly in her seat but couldn’t make any major changes to her position without sliding off the chair entirely. She and Barry the Despoiler looked forwards again at the same time, caught one another’s gaze, and simultaneously looked away. A tightening knot of discomfort in Adirn’s gut made her wish that she’d closed the door after Lawrence, but it was definitely too late to do so now. It would just look like she were slamming it in Barry the Despoiler’s face as a power play.
Adirn picked up one of the letter openers and turned it in her hands idly. It was terribly difficult to believe that any letters were so robustly sealed as to require a serrated blade, and she’d never known it to be necessary to include a blood gutter in any tool for opening correspondence. With a grim chuckle that she couldn’t suppress, Adirn wondered if this was for opening the messenger rather than the message.
Looking back up with a mixture of pride and disgust at herself, the empress saw a flash of discomfort on Barry the Despoiler’s face. All at once it dawned on Adirn that she’d waited for her visitor to approach and then picked up a particularly cruel blade, turned it slowly in her hands, and then chuckled to herself. In a momentary panic she tossed the knife down onto the desk, allowing it to clatter noisily against the other tools of evisceration.
“Good day!” She said in desperation, having to raise her voice.
“Er, greetings your eminence.” Lawrence replied, trying not to sound like he was having to shout. “May I please introduce to you, Barry the Despoiler.” He said with panic in his eyes, still walking but also trying to bow at the end of his statement.
“An honour to meet with you, your eminence.” Barry the Despoiler said, a little breathlessly as he jogged forward to cross the threshold.
“Likewise, Barry the Despoiler. Please, take a seat.” Adirn said. She pointed to an obsidian boar skull that stood on the opposite side of the desk.
“Thank you, your eminence.” He said, squatting down to rest his appreciable buttocks on the skull. Adirn watched with a sinking feeling as his legs tensed up. It seemed that the polished surface of the boar skull didn’t make it easy to keep his seat in place.
“You may sit too, if you’d like, Lawrence.” The empress offered. Lawrence’s concerned confusion made her regret that kindness immediately. “Because it’s better than you standing around and waiting. I’m not going to threaten or torture you.” She grumbled. Explaining herself was getting tiresome.
“Yes, thank you, your eminence. You are as wise as you are terrifying.” Lawrence said. Adirn scowled at him. “er… as you are kind?” he tried, with notably increased terror. The empress nodded to him, and cursed herself. There was no winning.
“So, Barry the Despoiler. What is it that I can do for you?” She asked. Although trying to look relaxed, the extremely inappropriate shape of her chair made that endeavour impossible.
“Well, your eminence, I have come with a simple question in the hope that I can serve you and your grand intentions for the empire most effectively.” He said, reading from some kind of pre-prepared mental script. “We all know that your incisive insights and sharp mind must be nourished, and you will surely know better than most what kind of nourishment would be best. It is in that vein that I have come to sample your wisdom, in asking if you have preferences in meals.” He finished.
Adirn’s eyes narrowed slightly.
“You’d like to know what I want for supper?”
“It would bring me no greater pleasure to make supper serve your will to the greatest possible extent. But even more than that, if I might be made privy to the wisdom of your long term dining intentions then procurement of the necessary ingredients may be planned and the training of lower ranking cuisine sergeants may be started. There need be no disappointment or failure of your schemes as a result of the wrong pastry being served.” Barry the Despoiler said. He smiled at her, but his knuckles were white against his knees.
“Right… so you’re the head chef, then?”
“I have the honour of being the Culinary General of your Kitchen Armies, your eminence.”
“Is that another of Emperor Tyrannick’s writs? To rename the kitchen staff like an army?” Adirn asked Captain Toxis directly.
“Not to my knowledge, your eminence.”
“I… with respect, your most indiscernible eminence, it was a decision I took having been inspired by Empress Vitriolica. She armed all of her palace staff such that invaders could meet resistance in all avenues, and such that should could consider the Skullery maids a part of her army in order to court martial them for improper polishing.” Explained Barry the Despoiler, stuck somewhere between pride and fear. “It seemed only fitting that we should be regimental within the kitchens, so that there would never be a need for another Pantry Massacre.”
Adirn dropped her head into her hands.
“I know that I will regret asking this, so please do not take my inevitable displeasure for anger at you, Barry the Despoiler. What was the Pantry Massacre?”
“It… it was a purge of treasonous elements of the kitchen armies. It was conducted in the pantry because that’s where the mop was stored at the time.”
The empress’ head did not rise. She spoke darkly into her hands.
“You are all chefs and cooks once again. No more of this military nonsense. And I have no particular dietary qualms, especially not to the level that might warrant executions, so you may exercise free reign over what you serve me.” She said. “And as you are a chef, why is that, may I ask, that you are known as Barry the Despoiler?”
“I… er….” He stammered. “… I thought it to be more fitting of a general to be called the Despoiler, your eminence.”
“It pleased Emperor Tyrannick to no end, your eminence.” Captain Toxis said, with a smirk.
“It does not please me to think that someone preparing my breakfast would despoil anything. Spoiled is the opposite of what I want for my food. Please find something more pleasant to call yourself.”
Barry the Former Despoiler looked at empress. There was a weariness in her voice that he’d never heard from another ruler. He was more accustomed to rage or spite. It was peculiar.
“Erm… certainly, your eminence. I shall be Barry the Preserver. For my salt and smoke shall prevent despoiling of anything.” He said, as if it had been planned along.
“Good enough. Is there anything else?” Adirn asked, finally deigning to look up. The space around her eyes was red where she’d rubbed it with her hands.
“No, thank you eminence. I shall aim to please.” Barry the Preserver said. He still gripped his thighs but now looked at Adirn expectantly. She held his eye for a few moments, then twigged.
“Oh. You may be about your business. You don’t need to wait for me to dismiss you.”
He stood up immediately, slipping backwards across the boar’s skull but managing to catch himself before tumbling over.
“Thank you, eminence.” He said with a bow. Lawrence approached and also bowed, before leading Barry away.
Adirn was treated to another extended viewing of the two men walking along a corridor, but this time watching the backs of their heads. Once they were out of earshot she turned to Captain Toxis.
“Remind me to close the door next time I’m expecting guests, Keto. That was painful.”
“What door would that be, your eminence?” Asked the Captain of the Guard, suspiciously leadingly.
“The door to this office of course…” Adirn said, pointing towards the doorway. As she followed her own fingers, however, she saw only a wall. It was the same on the other side of the doorway. There were no hinges in sight. It was just a permanently open portal. “Oh come on!”
“Emperor Tyrannick liked it this way, your eminence. He never once looked away as a guest approached the office. Said it always gave him the upper hand.”
Adirn shuddered. That was probably the worst thing yet.
“We’ll get one fitted. There is much work to do here.” She sighed. “I feel that I am constantly learning more and more atrocious things about this empire and it is does not serve me to have them all come as surprises. Would you please send for Katherine to attend me? I have need of some lessons.”
“Right away, your eminence. It will, of course, mean leaving you alone. Are you sure that this is what you want?”
Adirn looked down at the letter-deliverer openers, and then nodded.
“I should be fine.”
Katherine had arrived in a deeply conflicted mood. Having been disturbed from carrying out the empress’ previous instruction of removing all robes from the Skull Chamber, she had been ready to snipe about the demanding and fickle nature of Adirn as a ruler. Once learning that the summons was for tutelage about the running of the empire and its history, however, she had softened and appreciated that Empress Deepgrave was trying to better herself. This then naturally led to suspicions over what else would be erased from their culture once the empress knew about it. By the time she was face to face with Adirn, she’d not known what kind of attitude to take. As a default, she settled on judgemental.
After the initial interrogation on why Adirn wasn’t sitting up straight in her chair, and a short argument about why the new empress felt that becoming much larger to suit the furniture was beneath her, Katherine proved herself to be an exemplary tutor. Her knowledge of the culture and traditions of the empire over its long and muddy history was impressive, as was her ability not to spend all day weeping inconsolably over the content of all that history.
For her part, Adirn was also an adept student. Whilst the empress’ reactions to the actions of previous rulers led to Katherine’s eyes spending approximately half of their time rolling, she absorbed history like a naïve sponge. Years spent in her library back at Deepgrave Manor had attuned her to assimilating and understanding the twists of political intrigue and the pitfalls of international diplomacy. The ignorance that she’d shown to the culture of her own empire was still a shock to Katherine, but it became rapidly apparent that it wouldn’t last forever. Nor, the Mistress of Records suspected, would those traditions with which Adirn disagreed.
Only when the sunlight pouring in through the window’s boot and windmill had turned to a golden yellow did Adirn stop Katherine recounting the tale of Empress Spinesbane the Breaker’s rise to power.
“I think her unique method for reducing overpopulation in the outer villages can remain a mystery until tomorrow, Katherine. I’m beginning to lose focus.” Adirn said, she’d curled up into a ball on the seat of the chair.
“Very well. I do also have to continue revising the use of robes out of our traditions for meetings of the Dark Council.” She said. Letting something go was not one of Katherine’s talents.
“I suppose that you wouldn’t be willing to change the name ‘Dark Council’ while you’re at it?”
“You suppose correctly.” Katherine said severely. “Although I must confess that I hadn’t expected ‘The Scourge of Hangings’ herself to sit so happily at a desk like this.”
Adirn gave Katherine a confused look. The Mistress of Records sighed.
“Look at the legs.”
The empress leaned down to look at the legs of her desk, and sighed. The inverted-L shapes in each corner were, in fact, miniature gallows.
“I thank you for your tutelage, Katherine.” Adirn said wearily. “I shall send for you again tomorrow.”
“I cannot wait, your eminence.” Said the Mistress of Records, standing slowly from a silver Ox skull and rubbing at her sore legs.
“Captain Toxis, I feel that we should check on Countess Lascera before retiring to the dining room. She’s going to apologise to me if it takes all night.” Adirn said. Keto Toxis had spent the whole extended lesson in history leaning casually against the wall, barely seeming to move or grow bored.
“Of course, your eminence. I would imagine that all night is an optimistic estimate.”
For the third time that day, Adirn entered her audience chamber. The small team of guards had changed position, apparently taking shifts to keep Countess Lascera restrained. Otherwise, the only change was that Countess Lascera had managed to cross her legs, presumably because it was the only movement of which she was currently capable.
“Good evening, everyone.” The empress greeted, walking more softly this time to try to dampen the echo of her steps.
“Your eminence.” They more-or-less chorused back.
“Managed to keep your footing this time?” Lascera mocked. The venom was still there, but her voice sounded strained.
“That’s not what I came here to hear, Countess. You need only apologise to me.”
“And I told you never. Throw me in the dungeon now. I’ll not speak.”
Adirn rubbed at the bridge of her nose.
“I feel like you’re not listening to me. I told you that you will not be moving from this spot until you have apologised, and that is the case.” It was surprisingly difficult to keep having this argument, even though it required doing next to nothing.
“And I told you that I won’t do it. So take me do the dungeon!”
Adirn frowned and looked to Captain Toxis. Keto shrugged.
“You seem very intent on getting into my dungeon, Countess Lascera. Is there something you want down there?” Asked the empress, now curious.
“A break from your dogged insistence on that which won’t happen.” Replied the captive, after momentary hesitation.
“Hmm. I find that hard to believe. But you’ll not be moving. I shall have bread and water brought to you so that you do not starve.”
“You stupid child! Just put me in a cell!” Screamed the countess. A desperation erupted that cracked her voice.
“That’s a third apology I’m due.” Adirn replied simply, as she turned away.
Adirn leaned back in her chair at the dining table, and watched the black candles burn down. This third meal she’d eaten in the imperial palace had been slightly easier to get through than the previous two, since she was getting used to plates that depicted particularly notable executions of traitors throughout history. The snake’s head goblets were easy enough to drink from if the fangs were avoided, and although unsettling the spoons shaped like a beggar’s hands still did the job. Much to her surprise, Adirn was even beginning to find using a miniature halberd as a knife rather enjoyable.
At her insistence, Captain Toxis had joined her to eat rather than retiring to the barracks. It was the first time she’d seen him look even slightly uncomfortable, including the time he’d spent with a knife stuck in the abdomen of his armour.
“Was everything to your liking, Keto?” she asked. His empty plate already gave away the answer, but it seemed like the sort of thing to say.
“Yes, your eminence. Thank you.”
“Are you sure? You’ve not wryly corrected me on something the whole time we’ve been eating here.”
He looked up at her.
“I do not customarily eat with the ruler, your eminence. I am in your employ, not a member of the aristocracy.”
“You got stabbed for me. I think that earns a place at the table more than having a family-run business of drowning serfs.”
“The blade did not puncture my armour, your eminence.”
“I think it’s the thought that counts, Keto. But on the subject of Countess Lascera, I am concerned by her desire to be thrown in the dungeon. Is it possible that she has some contact there? A means of escape, perhaps?”
Captain Toxis straightened a little and immediately looked more like himself. Considering potential threats to the Empress was clearly more pleasurable than dining with her.
“The jailer has been employed here for years. As have the torturers. I cannot think of any who would have contact with Countess Lascera. She has often been given gifts from the prison in order to practice her arts, but they were always delivered rather than collected.” He explained, euphemistically.
“Hmm. And there are no secret escape routes of which she might avail herself?”
“There have been no escapes from the imperial prison in my lifetime, your eminence. Then again, the longest incarcerations tend to last but a few days before the torturers or executioners get involved.”
“Tended to. Past tense, please. Those practices are over now.” Adirn reminded him.
“Of course, your eminence.”
“Three times. Three times I’ve had to come back here just to ask you to say sorry.” Adirn said, once again standing over Countess Lascera. “This is the last time before I go to bed, so we’ll need to continue this conversation in the morning if you don’t apologise to me right now.”
Countess Lascera groaned into the floor. Her legs were crossed even more than before. A plate next to her had only crumbs of bread left, but the goblet of water was still completely full.
“No. You’ll have to throw me in the dungeon right now.” She wailed.
“You just don’t listen! I was hoping not to have to go to bed mad, but here we are. Until the morning, Countess. And don’t forget to drink your water; you’ve had nothing all day!” Adirn said, with disappointment.
“Please just send me to a cell!” Countess Lascera shrieked.
“Please just apologise, then.” Adirn countered. “I don’t understand your obsession with the dungeons.”
“Because it has a privy!” Bellowed the captive, on the verge of sobbing. “It has a privy and I have been here, on the floor, for a whole day! You gave me water to taunt me! You won’t let me up and relieve myself! I need to… to go…”
Adirn felt the blood leave her face. It hadn’t even been a consideration in her mind. Slowly, she faced the countess again.
“Then please apologise to me for throwing a knife, and twice more for insulting me, and once again for making me come here a third time just before bed.” The empress ordered. There was a quivering in her voice, as her stubbornness battled the rising sense of guilt at inadvertently torturing Countess Lascera.
“Oh for badness sakes! You win! I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! For the blade, for the insults, for thinking you weak.” Countess Lascera cried. Adirn could see tears roll down her cheeks. “I’m sorry for everything.”
No-one spoke for a few seconds. A sense of tangible shock hung over the small group of guards, the captive, and the empress.
“I accept your apology. You may go freely. Someone please direct her to the nearest privy.” Adirn said. The collected guards and Captain Toxis looked at her with gaping mouths.
“Thank you, your eminence!” Countess Lascera said, leaping to her feet as the guards released her and sprinting for the door. She didn’t even pause for her knives.
“Get after her, then. I’d still prefer she had an escort until she was safely on her way home.” Adirn told one of the guards. With a quick salute he trotted off after her.
Captain Toxis still simply stared. It was as if the empress had just grown another set of limbs in front of him.
“You see? Sometimes you just need to make people think about their actions and say sorry. They can be better people. None of this execution lark.” She told the room in general. In the back of her mind, a glimmer of hope that things might not be so bad after all started to shine.