>> See if you can stamp a sunroof into the car
In recent memory you've utilised several modes of transport, all with great success. In the beginning there were your original shoes, now long lost in the depths of the supermarket. One likely still remains where it fell, among the dairy at the battle of yoghurt slip, while the other is in a gentleman's shepherd's pie. Maybe the pie and the shoe have been eaten already. Maybe the shoe was served as a side dish or kept as leftovers. The likelihood is that you'll never know.
After your shoes were lost to you, by no fault of your own, you tried the snake method, but that led to you becoming tired and even more covered in gore from your assault on the bakery. Pumpkin feet came and went, there were a couple of stowaway journeys on the train, you've had a number of enjoyable, serene drives with Ashley, but the best way to travel, on balance, has to be your unreasonably practical wellingtons.
Just as you'd expect from a master craftsperson like yourself, the springs you roughly jammed into the soles have held fast, and moving like a kangaroo has become second nature to you. It doesn't even matter that they're both lefts anymore; either the rubber or your ankle have yielded enough to make it work. They really are the best decision you ever made.
Such is the train of thought passing through your mind as you wobble like a blancmange in an earthquake atop your car. What's so nice about your current circumstance, other than the demonstration of great practicality from your wellies, is the fact that you get to enjoy both the warmth of the summer sunshine and the cooling effect of the breeze. It's one of those simple treats that everyone should be allowed to sample. Even Drainpipe Von Staffen, renowned workaholic, is allowing its head to have a taste of the breeze.
Your stomach drops out of all of a sudden as the car crashes through a hedgerow, and you realise what a terribly indefensible action you've taken; Ashley is stuck inside the vehicle with neither sun nor breeze to enjoy. Here you are, selfishly living the high life of car surfing, while she's diligently finding shortcuts to get you to Gertie and Gertie Enterprises on time. It's shameful, really, that she's being denied these pleasures too.
Thankfully, you're a genius engineer at heart. You know there's no problem that can't be fixed with the right tools, and the right tools are already on your feet.
Conventional wisdom, the remit of cowards and thinkers, would dictate that when surfing on a car at around twice the speed limit, standing on one leg is risky. It would demand that both feet are kept in contact at all times, and preferably a hand or two gets involved as well. You know far better than that. Raising one leg high into the air, you aim the pointy end of your spring at the centre of the roof; prime position for a fashionable, resale value doubling sunroof. The next moment sees your foot slamming down, an almighty bang and crunch of bodywork combining with the metallic scraping of spring on paintwork. Regrettably, you remember too late what happens when you compress a spring.
If Ashley has cried out with any gratitude at your modification attempts then you can't hear it, deafened as you are by the rushing air, and distracted as you are by your stamping leg flying upwards. In a rare flash of introspection, you fear that you may have made the wellingtons too practical for this course of action. The flash is replaced by a blur as your leg's momentum topples you backwards, and your bottom crashes onto the edge of the roof, while Ashley takes a tight corner that only she could see. Towel slides against dress and dress slides against roof. Somehow, despite your expert calculation, you are at risk of falling from the vehicle.
After your shoes were lost to you, by no fault of your own, you tried the snake method, but that led to you becoming tired and even more covered in gore from your assault on the bakery. Pumpkin feet came and went, there were a couple of stowaway journeys on the train, you've had a number of enjoyable, serene drives with Ashley, but the best way to travel, on balance, has to be your unreasonably practical wellingtons.
Just as you'd expect from a master craftsperson like yourself, the springs you roughly jammed into the soles have held fast, and moving like a kangaroo has become second nature to you. It doesn't even matter that they're both lefts anymore; either the rubber or your ankle have yielded enough to make it work. They really are the best decision you ever made.
Such is the train of thought passing through your mind as you wobble like a blancmange in an earthquake atop your car. What's so nice about your current circumstance, other than the demonstration of great practicality from your wellies, is the fact that you get to enjoy both the warmth of the summer sunshine and the cooling effect of the breeze. It's one of those simple treats that everyone should be allowed to sample. Even Drainpipe Von Staffen, renowned workaholic, is allowing its head to have a taste of the breeze.
Your stomach drops out of all of a sudden as the car crashes through a hedgerow, and you realise what a terribly indefensible action you've taken; Ashley is stuck inside the vehicle with neither sun nor breeze to enjoy. Here you are, selfishly living the high life of car surfing, while she's diligently finding shortcuts to get you to Gertie and Gertie Enterprises on time. It's shameful, really, that she's being denied these pleasures too.
Thankfully, you're a genius engineer at heart. You know there's no problem that can't be fixed with the right tools, and the right tools are already on your feet.
Conventional wisdom, the remit of cowards and thinkers, would dictate that when surfing on a car at around twice the speed limit, standing on one leg is risky. It would demand that both feet are kept in contact at all times, and preferably a hand or two gets involved as well. You know far better than that. Raising one leg high into the air, you aim the pointy end of your spring at the centre of the roof; prime position for a fashionable, resale value doubling sunroof. The next moment sees your foot slamming down, an almighty bang and crunch of bodywork combining with the metallic scraping of spring on paintwork. Regrettably, you remember too late what happens when you compress a spring.
If Ashley has cried out with any gratitude at your modification attempts then you can't hear it, deafened as you are by the rushing air, and distracted as you are by your stamping leg flying upwards. In a rare flash of introspection, you fear that you may have made the wellingtons too practical for this course of action. The flash is replaced by a blur as your leg's momentum topples you backwards, and your bottom crashes onto the edge of the roof, while Ashley takes a tight corner that only she could see. Towel slides against dress and dress slides against roof. Somehow, despite your expert calculation, you are at risk of falling from the vehicle.
- Fire revolver to steady yourself
- Relax and let yourself fall
- Reach out to Drainpipe for help
- Stab secateurs into roof for purchase