Commentary and Commendations
"Well! Here we are ladies, gentlemen and anyone else who cares to be listening in; we are live at the thirty-second annual General Competence Awards, sponsored by the good people at Fergus and Fergus Varnish, the only varnish company who could lacquer a jellyfish rigid. What a tag line, what a company and what a product." boomed Henry Forthback, sitting high up in his commentator’s tower, overlooking the sprawling Bilious Centre building. Normally this tower would afford views of little but tarmac and pedestrians, hardly appropriate fodder for live broadcast description, but that evening there was much more to see. Winding away from the entrance was a serpentine red carpet, flanked by metal barriers. Beyond those were representatives of gossip media with their foam-tipped microphones, then the thick, swarming crowds of spectators who, for reasons perplexing even to those who loved them most dearly, wished to see some strangers walking along a strip of fabric.
"Already the streets are covered, coated, blanketed, carpeted, thick and bustling with the adoring public, the fans of these bastions of competence who are here to be celebrated, and rightfully so, for their ability to perform their vocation to an acceptable standard. It's a target for which we are all shooting, a goal towards which we all strive, a spaghetti Bolognese from which we would all dearly love to extract a strand of delicious pasta. All, that is, except for our nominees, who have already dined well upon it.” Henry spewed, losing himself in his own tenuous metaphor. “They will soon be arriving from places far and wide, coming along Slough Road, avoiding the nasty pot hole by the keep left sign, and pulling up at the celebrity disembarkation station. The disembarkation station, of course, is occupying the space normally used as the goods entrance, so it comes equipped with an array of heavy cranes and ramps. Normally this isn’t required for an awards ceremony, but it’s beneficial for those nominees who should wish to be cheered on by their favourite pallet of roofing tiles or tonne bag of miscellaneous aggregates." explained Henry, veteran of many a banal event and artisan of filling dead-air. "From the disembarkation station, our celebrities will be treated to a view over the luxurious Chicken Shack, purveyor of fried goods between the golden hours of 11pm and 4am, which boasts a rare negative one star hygiene rating; the latest inspection report, as we all know, stated that no working kitchen should be used as an abattoir, nor should the dishes be stored in the same holdall as the oil-rags of the MOT centre onto which Chicken Shack backs. It's a great read, well worth the time even if you are not a regular of the store." A tinny burst of sound in Henry's earpiece told him that vehicles were on the approach, and he should move his commentary along. Nodding uselessly by way of reply, he smoothly continued his patter.
"From this vista over a local landmark our celebrities will begin their walk along the red carpet, which this year has been supplied by Hungry Barry's Carpets & Laminate, and through the cheering, screaming and waving of the crowds and press alike. Our red carpet course this year was designed by Sir Terringham Goldenbrow, a real oracle of the red carpet arts who seems to lock onto the latest trends in red carpet layout even before they arrive, and my goodness me, listeners, is it a marvel of technical carpetspersonship.
We begin with a long straight from the disembarkation station, along which our nominees will be tempted to both greet a vast swathe of well-wishers, the very first adoring fans they'll see upon exiting the vehicle, and may also find themselves building up a lot of speed due to the singular directional nature of this section. It leads into our first bend, a classic ninety degree direction-changer bearing them round in a clockwise direction, that'll be a right turn for our nominees, taking them into what a lesser course designer would leave as another straight. Not our Terringham, however; he has incorporated an ingenious curve to the next run, swooping in a continuation of that right hand or clockwise bend until the nominees have completed a full one eighty! That's right, it's a right angle into a curve switchback, the likes of which would never have been seen in the red carpet scene even as little as five years ago. That's how far the art has come along, and that's how well our industry veterans keep their fingers on the pulse. Now, the crowds pinched within the two prongs of the walk will be capable of asking a question on pass one and then a related follow-up on the second pass, so our nominees will need to be prepared for that. It's a test of agility, presence of mind, and short term memory." Another buzz told Henry to continue moving things along.
"I am just hearing through my earpiece, listeners, that our first arrivals are mere moments away, so without wanting to do an injustice to Sir Terringham's design, I will more briefly summarise the rest of the carpet course. The switchback is followed by a simple anticlockwise, or left, sharp-angled bend cutting in to form a triangle. Nominees proceed up the hypotenuse, which is set onto a slight slope for a greater test of endurance, before tackling the Belgian chicane around a trio of waffle stands. With or without waffles, nominee's choice, they will take a difficult loop-de-loop and then end up on the home straight leading up to the double entry doors and photographers. It's a masterpiece of red carpet pathing design and I hope you will join me in not only congratulating Sir Terringham for his excellent work, but also in expressing excitement at seeing the nominees take it on."
A flashing amber light on the control panel of Henry's commentator tower alerted him of events to describe through window three. Pivoting in his chair, he centred his view on the relevant window, drew a short sip of voice-safeguarding water, and gathered his thoughts. Thankfully for Henry's vocation, there was rarely much to gather and therefore the silence did not drag on.
"Well, dear listeners, I'm now seeing our first vehicle pull up to the disembarkation station. The driver of this elegant sedan car, with polished bonnet and all of its tyres attached, has done a wonderful job of pulling into the bay. There's enough room to turn the wheels and pull away, but not so much of a gap that the passenger will need to stretch to reach the kerb. You absolutely love to see it, and you even come to expect it with the calibre of drivers who should be serving an awards ceremony focused on competence.
"And…yes, as expected, we’re seeing the driver exit the vehicle now, presumably having checked in their mirror for any passing motorists or pedestrians first, as is only sensible if you wish to avoid injuring a fellow human or damaging your car, and they are moving to open the rear passenger side door. They’re taking the traditional ‘front-of-the-car’ route, first made famous by the chauffeurs of the golden age of shipwright awards ceremonies; it offers a shorter path to the passenger side, provides the relative safety of the pavement or carpeted area, and allows for the driver to check the bonnet for any water birds or opportunistic mammals hitching a free ride. The front-of-the-car route does, however, come at the cost of drawing attention away from the nominee’s door and onto the chauffeur themselves. Clearly, the team behind this arrival believe that to be the lesser risk, and I, for what it’s worth, agree.” commentated Henry, doing his best to evoke in the listener a mental image of a sprawling management team backing each nominee, working tirelessly to ensure that their red carpet arrival was a success. He had no idea whether or not it was the truth, but it made for compelling commentary.
“There we are; a regulation seven strides to cover the distance from passenger side headlight to rear passenger door in this elongated awards ceremony arrival vehicle, and a single-handed handle-pull manoeuvre to release the door catch and reveal…” Henry’s inflection rose, and brought all the tensions and anticipation of the listening crowd with it, “Florence Easton! What a wonderful opening for this red carpet walk, here at the General Competence Awards, brought to you by Fergus and Fergus Varnish! A real veteran of the craft, as well as a regular face at every celebration of competence and a pioneer of the ‘just stop wasting time’ approach, Florence Easton is a fan favourite and a good person.”
At his right hand, resting on a bank of rarely used controls that only existed to lower the volume of his voice, was Henry’s manifest of red carpet attendees. A finger ran down the column of notable names until he found Florence Easton, and a tick appeared next to it shortly after, courtesy of a disposable pen.
“Florence, celebrated for her excellent work in the field of packing away children’s toys in a manner that’s compact without compromising accessibility, is showing us all exactly how a person should step from a car. If you’re watching the video feed then just look at that poise! No hesitation, no wobbling as weight is transferred from bottom to foot, just smooth transitions from car to carpet.” Henry had been particularly proud when he’d thought up that line, and was excited to use it as soon as possible. “This really is a sight to behold as she nods politely to the driver then takes up her position at the start of the carpet course. What a debut performance this carpet is about to have. What a venerable pair of… that looks like bowling shoes from here, so a nice choice, this carpet is going to feel. She’s testing the ground. She’s looking ahead and beginning to wave, smile already prepared on her face. Florence Easton will be off in three… two… one… and she’s moving!”
Excitedly, Henry grabbed his bottle of water and placed it in his lap, ready to gulp down a rejuvenating mouthful at a moment’s notice. With a nominee on the course there would be no time to waste, and very few opportunities for hydration.
“First is the long straight, the opening gambit or nominee’s sprint, depending on which school of red carpet traversal appreciation you’ve attended. Florence is performing an absolutely textbook Garuman’s Stride, named after Sylvester Garuman of course, placing one foot in front of the other in an alternating fashion, with every tenth step a little longer to allow for a leaping wave. Ms Easton’s wave of choice is the cup-and-splay, showing great versatility of hand movement without the flashy exuberance of a more animated motion. Picking up some speed as we predicted she might, Florence seems to have extended her waves just slightly to acknowledge two members of the crowd per cup, and a further four per splay, helped out by the hand’s increased breadth in the latter movement.
“Waving isn't the only skill our nominees need to display on this course, however. The question and answer relay, so named for the handing of a verbal baton from party to party, is just as vital, and Florence is doing spectacularly out of the gate, just as we expected from a nominee of her calibre. She's already fielded a question on her feelings about tonight, didn't even break stride for it, and rebuffed an attempt to ask about her outfit. Famously, Ms Easton doesn't care to discuss where she gets the hessian sacks in which she is so often clad, and it demonstrates a real lack of preparation from the foolish reporter who asked her that question. Regardless, she has handled it with grace, told a fan all about her morning routine, and tackled the first bend, our clockwise 90. A classic, no-nonsense heel turn on the right foot, very clean, very crisp, and now she's taking the sweeping bend. A bit of a tilt, or a lean if you'd prefer, on her posture now, no doubt to help with the cornering and retaining of speed as her direction shifts. Committing to a tilt like that long term will, as we all know, lead to uneven wear on the shoes; that's true whether you’re comparing one shoe to the other or looking across the sole of each individual shoe, but when used sparingly it does the absolute business for delivering a nominee from direction one to direction two. Beautifully executed stuff, and what's this? Yes? Yes? Yes I think she has taken a follow up question about the morning routine there, a speculation on how brunch fits in, and she has replied with 'often and decadently'. What a witty coda to a banal interrogative angle. Florence really could write the book on how to handle a red carpet procession."
A series of lights flashed on Henry's controls. It seemed that another vehicle was already on the approach, even before Florence had entered the Belgian chicane. A lesser commentator would have been vexed, flummoxed or inconvenienced by this, but Henry was made of far sterner stuff. He snatched a mouthful of water and kept his composure.
"After such an athletic display along the first half of our course here today will we see Florence tempted by anything from the Belgian Chicane? It's a perfectly acceptable approach to pick up a tasty dessert treat with chocolate sauce, fruit, or even a flavoured syrup, but it will mean a compromised capability to wave, speak or even move without spilling that self-same treat onto the nominee's own self or the carpet. That's just the waffle gamble; will Florence Easton roll those dice? She's approaching the first stand, a wooden structure which has been varnished, of course, with a hard wearing but lustrous coating from Fergus and Fergus Varnishes: a fantastic finish that looks great and guarantees weatherproofing for at least 3 years. She's looking at the waffle artist housed within that shining and well-protected structure, but it looks like that's just to say hello. Onto waffle stand two, which has a few display waffles to tempt the nominees further, but again it's just a greeting and away she goes. This is nail-biting stuff as we get ready for the third and final waffle stand. What will happen here? Will she resist the two-for-one offer in favour of greater hand freedom in the final stretch?" Henry's voice dropped in pitch and energy. He moved closer to the microphone, almost whispering. "She's standing at the serving hatch. She's discussing something with the vendor. It looks like this is taking longer than a simple hello, we could be about to see our first waffle order of the night..."
Even without a live audience in attendance, Henry could feel the collective pulse of his listeners. It beat along with the rhythm of his commentary, was carried along at the tempo he set, and as bathed in the detail and context he provided. They were in the palm of his voice, if such anatomical facets could be arranged, and they awaited his word on Florence's next action with a tension immeasurable.
"No! No, she's walking away again without any waffles in hand. I must confess, listeners that I'm not sure exactly went on between the two of them and... wait... I'm just hearing in my earpiece that... wow, what a nominee! What a red carpet walker! Florence Easton has paid for the next nominee's order! What a classy, altruistic move from the three-time winner of the ‘Wow, how did you get so many stacking cups in that zip-lock bag?’ award. And speaking of our next nominee,” Henry segued, as smooth as silk that’s been dipped liberally in caramel, “we have another car on the approach to the disembarkation station. Florence is sauntering with characteristic calm and confidence towards the loop-de-loop, so let’s take a moment to assess our next arrival. It appears that this driver is slightly newer to the ceremony, adopting a higher speed into the station than Florence’s, which could negatively affect the accuracy and stability of their stopping. The nominee inside could find, if they are drinking a glass of hot lemonade or tepid champagne, that they will soon be wearing their beverage unless something changes in the driving style fairly soon. The ground crews here at the General Competence Awards, sponsored by Fergus and Fergus Varnishes as previously discussed, are waving red flags and flapping high-vis vests at the new car in an attempt to signal them to stop, so we’ll have to come back to this and see how it all pans out.
“Back to Florence, I can see now that she has arrived at the base of the loop-de-loop and is weighing up her options. A tricky obstacle for a red carpet walker at any level, the loop-de-loop typically requires a great deal of speed to be taken into the ascending portion, with high-grip shoes and excellent co-ordination necessary to complete the full circuit and make it down to the other side. This particular loop measures over five metres in diameter, which is a tall order to scale, let alone circumscribe with the feet in a series of elegant hessian sacks and bowling shoes. If I could peer into Florence’s mind, the mind of this titan of competence and veteran of carpets that share a colour with blood or the red bits of a rainbow, I would be a much richer and more knowledgeable man. As it is, we are forced to speculate, to read her face as she peers at the final hurdle.
“At the disembarkation station, it pains me to say, we turn back to a scene of carnage. I’m counting two burst tyres on the next nominee’s car. It appears that the warnings of the ground crew were not heeded, or they could not be followed in time, and the car’s passenger-side wheels were scraped roughly against our bespoke sharpened kerbs. It’s going to be a day of much discussion internally, as the competence committee debates why the kerbs are sharpened at all, let alone to this degree, but for now we’re left to push on and make the best of things. I can see the driver now opening their door and getting out. Will they be penitent, or double down on their actions? We’ll have to wait and see, because Florence has made some kind of decision!”
In the split second between sentences, Henry steeled himself and loaded a few stock shocked phrases onto the tip of his tongue. The first attempt of a loop-de-loop would be recorded and replayed countless times, so he needed his soundbites to be concise, crisp, and insightful.
“Pawing at the ground. Bracing at the legs. She’s about to sprint for it, she’s taking it on! Here we go history books, prepare to meet your newest character! Listener, if only you could see the burst of speed on this woman, this competent nominee. Florence Easton is a blur of hessian! She’s at the base of the loop and she’s going quickly! Up one, two, three, four paces, but drifting to the left! She’s off centre! She’s going to-“ Henry stopped, and he gasped, unprofessionally taken by surprise at events unfolding in front of his eyes. “Oh my goodness me, listener, she’s only gone and hopped from the ascending ramp to the descending one, circumventing the loop entirely by employing the infamous Lindy Hop, named after Georgina Lindy, who famously hopped over a red ribbon rather than cutting it with enormous scissors. I never thought I’d see the day that such a technique was employed on the red carpet. This is an uncharacteristically subversive move from Ms Easton, and one that’s sure to cause a stir among the crowd and the pundits alike. I, for one, congratulate Florence on her presence of mind. It’s a real demonstration of her no nonsense, down-to-earth, why-run-up-a-wall attitude to life, to packing away toys, and to walking on red carpets. What a nominee!”
Trying to sound as authentic as possible, Henry burst into impressed applause, making sure to clap at a distance from the microphone which would not cause his listeners discomfort or introduce unpleasant plosive sounds to the recording. There was no time to waste, however, with another nominee to commentate.
“Now, as Florence crosses the final stretch and enters the photographers’ gallery, we turn our attention back to the carnage at the disembarkation station. It looks like this second driver is taking the riskier driver’s-side route to the rear of the vehicle, securing less air time for themselves but having to walk in the road and pass by not only the red hot exhaust pipe of the vehicle, but also any carelessly discarded chicken from Chicken Shack. From their posture and countenance, I would say, in my relatively humble opinion, that this driver is feeling defiant in the face of their two shredded tyres. Indeed, they show no sign of even glancing at the ruined wheels of their car, instead opening the door as if nothing has happened and beckoning out their nominee. It’s bare-faced, it’s bold, and to some degree it shows an ability to stick to the plan, but my goodness that’s going to be a pricey parking technique if adopted in perpetuity.
“But I digress; getting out of the car and looking a little shaken we have none other than Benjamin Hoopla, nominated for ‘Greatest Interval Reliably Achieved Between Subsequent Grocery Shops, open bracket, No Supplemental Shops or Missed Meals, close bracket’. It’s a hotly contested award, but one that carries a great deal of pride and even greater respect among the competent community. If we could all reduce our grocery shopping frequency to a mere once per quarter then I’m sure we’d do it, and these nominees are all artisans in that endeavour. A few terse words have been exchanged between Benjamin and his driver, who still appears to have dismissed any notion of remorse, and is returning to the car as if nothing has happened. Oh, now this can’t be the start that Benjamin would have wanted for his walk, setting off to the sound of steel wheels directly grinding against tarmac, but such is the hand he has been dealt.”
Aerially viewed from his tower, Henry could see the sparks flying from the wheels of the wrecked car. He watched with concern as they hit the vast stocks of tinder and kindling that were, inexplicably, kept in the disembarkation station, and then kept half an eye on the panicking ground crew as they scrambled for fire extinguishers. Although the blossoming fire was rather a concerning turn of events for those physically present, Henry, as commentator, owed it to the nominees to keep the focus where it should be: on the red carpet. The public could find out about any terrible blazes in the next day’s news cycle.
“Not one to be deterred by a rocky entrance, Benjamin has set off at more of a brisk clip than Florence, and is using the less commonly seen Salute-Light wave. It’s a flat-hand tapped to the forehead and then sliced, at a shallow angle, towards the recipient. Some argue that it’s less stuffy than the cup-and-splay, and that’s certainly what will have driven Benjamin into the use of this hand-greeting, despite its objectively inferior coverage to the more traditional methods. But, what he risks with one hand he conserves with the other; there’s a whole hand free to point at questioners and give them rapid-fire responses, complete with a playful smirk or wink. This is some really great and, dare I say it, disruptive crowd work from the infrequent shopper. I would estimate that Mr Hoopla has answered nearly twice as many questions as Ms Easton had done by this point. Her fuller and more earnest answers may carry greater weight with those lucky enough to get a response, but this response-dense walk is going to give everyone something to talk about.”
A message came through Henry’s earpiece with some urgency.
“They’re even earlier than Benjamin was.” he hissed back, trying to keep it inaudible on the broadcast. “I… yes, understood. I can handle it.” His assurances to the producers were more confident than they had any right to be. The next nominee was far too early; it would make a mess of the commentary for sure, but Henry had got out of worse scrapes than that.
“Apologies for the silence, listeners, but I am here with you as Benjamin takes the right 90 with a flamboyant Ipswich Spring, leaping with both feet, twisting in the air, and landing in a way that evokes a sense of Suffolk. It was a bit of a rocky landing, maybe because of the attempt to keep waving in mid-air, maybe because of an existing leg injury, maybe because of a predilection for cooking with too much salt; at this stage, we really can do nothing but speculate and slander.” Henry could feel himself drifting off topic. He recalibrated. “Regardless, the sweeping curve is next, and it looks like Benjamin is forgoing Florence’s tilt in favour of a rigid, upright posture. Far be it from me to tell anyone how to walk on a carpet, even a fine carpet from Hungry Barry’s Carpets & Laminate, the only carpets good enough to eat or your money kept, but I think this is a mistake, especially when travelling at such twist-neck speeds. Granted, Benjamin is wearing pair of very sensible hiking shoes, with grip for days and padding for weeks, but all the grip in the world won’t make up for a lack of balance. But what’s this?” he said, feigning surprise, “it looks like another car is on the way already. And if that last one was filled with a sense of urgency, this third vehicle is positively fervent with zeal to get a drop-off made. They’ve absolutely shattered the barrier arm that separates road from driveway, and are making liberal use of the pavement in reaching the disembarkation station.” laughed Henry. “What a character behind that wheel. What a character.
“But back to the on-carpet action, it looks as if Benjamin Hoopla, patron saint of a well-stocked cupboard, is tackling the hill with the same extreme pace he showed on the flat, and is hardly slowing down as he approaches the Belgian Chicane. Neither cornering nor the promise of a tasty batter treat can arrest this man’s momentum, but perhaps that’s to be expected from someone who minimises their time in the supermarket with an almost obsessive passion. He’s cleared the first two waffle stands easily, but stand three, the ever-dangerous two-for-one, is lurking there. It holds not only the promise of reducing his waffle shop frequency by half, but also having his order pre-paid by Florence. It’s a masterful honey-trap from the toy-stacker, and plays right into the weaknesses of Mr Hoopla. We can see his gaze drawn to the vendor, who is leaning out of the window and trying to impress upon him the extreme good value he can extract from a transaction here. Can he resist? Can he keep going? He’s slowing. He’s still slowing! He’s stopped!” roared Henry, overcome by the drama unfolding. His earpiece was practically blowing up as the producers tried to get his attention back on the new vehicle, but Mr Hoopla succumbing to waffles was too much to ignore. “Listeners, I can hardly believe my eyes, but stand three was enough to give Benjamin pause, and he is now browsing the menu. Under normal circumstances this would be a lull in proceedings, but there is a whole other source of excitement going on in the disembarkation station!
Some expletives centring around the phrase ‘finally’ came through the earpiece, but Henry paid them no mind. He was an artist, and the flow of commentary could not be allowed to falter.
“It seems that our barrier-breaking car has gone on to express itself a little more, and has driven through a whole gaggle of the fire fighters trying to douse Mr Hoopla’s blaze! They were trying to put out the fire in some boxes of what I assume to be soft drinks or candle wax, it could be either, and now they’re strewn among the fragments of wood, packaging and ash! Such humorous scenes have not been witnessed at a General Competence Awards ceremony, sponsored by Fergus and Fergus Varnishes or otherwise, in many a year. Making the previous vehicle look like a mobility scooter with the engine removed, this new car seems to be swerving specifically to hit as much of the crew, the unloaded stock and the fire as possible! Whoever lurks inside certainly knows how to make an entrance, and Benjamin Hoopla’s efforts will certainly be forever overshadowed. What a ludicrously pedestrian performance from his driver by comparison. Why listener, I don’t think it’s overstepping the mark to say that I have lost a lot of respect for Mr Hoopla in this moment. A quick glance back to him confirms that, yes, he has opted for a chocolate-orange waffle for his first, and a soot and chips waffle for his freebie. An eclectic choice if ever I saw one, and a statement on how well-stocked the toppings fridge is at waffle stand three.
“Back to nominee three, they’ve come screeching to a halt a few feet beyond the demarcated disembarkation station, planting the bonnet of the car firmly into the first aid tent. It’s a highly unorthodox strategy, but one that is certainly turning heads. And is the driver exiting the vehicle, you might be asking. No, listener. In yet another upset by this genre-bending, expectation challenging and automotive crime committing nominee, they are opening the door and getting out for themselves! While the driver is backing up! These are scenes that I would never have expected to see at such a prestigious and competence-focused event, but it’s a refreshing palate cleanser in a peculiar sort of way.
“But I digress! We can now see that this nominee is none other than Lisa Carmichael! It’s her first nomination, having displayed an impeccably intuitive grasp of how to operate any piece of heavy machinery or gadget, at home, in the office, or on the building site. Clearly she’s eager to throw off the bookish, nerdy image that some might force onto her in relation to knowing how a printer works, and she’s proving to be a woman of action above all else.
“Wasting no time, she has already set off along the first straight at a full sprint! Before Mr Hoopla has even finished packing up his waffle order! The driver is pulling away with the same haste for which we’ve come to know them and… yes! It looks like they've pulled away again through four... no, make that six paramedics. They certainly know how to bring fireworks to this occasion and it’ll give the General Competence Committee something to think about for future events."
Head darting from one nominee to the other, Henry tried to compartmentalise his mind and keep track of both of them. It was the challenge he’d been born for, a real test of a true commentator.
“The only way I can describe Ms Carmichael’s approach to answering questions is guttural! She is screaming responses as if the questions are approaching predators, and her waves have a ferocity that I’ve not seen since I commentated on the karate chop championships at the Old Lumber Mill many moons ago. There’s an autograph book being held out to her, in a manner that I consider to be vastly misguided and… yes, she’s chopped it clean in half with a frenzied slap.
“Back to Benjamin, he’s two mouthfuls into his chocolate-orange waffle, a boring choice for a tedious nominee, and it seems that he’s noticed the approaching Lisa! One can only assume that he was tipped off by the deafening and frankly terrifying wails coming from Ms Carmichael.
“She herself has skidded around the right 90, bouncing from the barrier and taking the opportunity to elbow a journalist in the nose. That won’t go down well with the press junket, but it’s proving popular among the public. Much like Mr Hoopla before her, she’s making no effort to lean around the sweeping bend! It’s dangerous. It’s risky. And it’s ending in disaster! She’s down! She’s fallen down and is sliding across the carpet towards the outside edge barrier. It’s making the crowd flee, it’s made Benjamin choke on his waffle, and it’s probably giving Lisa some serious carpet burns on her bare arms. The string vest was a bold choice for an awards ceremony, but by now that’s not surprising for this whirlwind of disruption. Surely, she would have slid more easily if the fine Hungry Barry’s carpet had been varnished by our sponsor, Fergus and Fergus Varnishes, the only varnish that’ll stop the tide coming in, but it was not to be.
“Back to Benjamin, it looks like he’s appealing to the crew on the ground to stop Lisa disrupting his walk, like a coward, but it looks from his disappointed face that his pleas have been ignored! Lisa will not be intercepted, possibly for the safety of the staff here at the General Competence Awards.
“Ms Carmichael has used the momentum of her slide to flip back onto her feet and that’s one, two and three roars of frustration, or perhaps determination, and now she’s somehow moving at a faster sprint than before! The hill is being absolutely eaten up under her footfalls and I can see the waffle stand staff very wisely abandoning ship as she approaches. Indeed, she is showing no signs of wanting to turn and… crash! She’s through stand one! Wallop! Stand two is splintered in front of her! Stand three will surely follow next and kaboom! She emerges with waffles in each fist, and now her sights are on Benjamin Hoopla himself. The fool is still in her path! He’s trying to run but it’s too little too late. He’ll surely be shattered like those waffle stands but… no! Another shock turn! Lisa Carmichael, forklift aficionado and mini-digger savant has swept Benjamin Hoopla up in a fire fighter’s carry! This is not a drill, and this is not a move anyone with a semblance of good sense would anticipate or attempt. She’s even trying to stuff further waffles into his mouth! A carrier I can believe easily, but feeder I did not think she would be.
“The loop-de-loop is dead ahead of her, and she shows no sign of slowing, even with Mr Hoopla’s weight and his terrified thrashing! It looks like he’s appealing to her to stop, appealing to the crowd to help, and trying to physically break free, but even arms strengthened by month-heavy shopping bags can’t seem to affect the titanic monolith that is Lisa Carmichael. And here she goes! First foot on the ascending ramp! She’s climbing! She’s climbing up the ramp! She’s actually doing it!”
Henry, despite himself, had stood up from his stool and was hunched over the microphone, vibrating with excitement and desperately trawling his mind for appropriate metaphors.
“She’s a wall-of-death woman, a stunt rider of a human!” was the best he could manage, but his brain was firing too hard to care. “She’s at the top! Benjamin is crying but she’s ignoring it! And she’s down the other side!” he screamed, jumping up and down on the spot and dislodging his manifest from the control panel. “Listeners, this is the most incredible red carpet display I have ever seen in my long and storied career! Lisa Carmichael, first of her name and first among nominees who will later face assault charges, has completed the loop-de-loop with a tearful and terrified Benjamin Hoopla in tow! This is history! This is a notable event for the masses! But she’s not stopping to bask in the glory; she’s instead barrelling past the photographers’ gallery and has broken clean through the double doors into the Bilious Centre! What a time to be alive. What a sight to see here, at the General Competence Awards, sponsored by Fergus and Fergus Varnishes, the only varnish that could stop Lisa Carmichael. Please stay tuned and take a moment to calm down as we listen to these messages.”
Henry clicked off the microphone and let the adverts roll.
"Already the streets are covered, coated, blanketed, carpeted, thick and bustling with the adoring public, the fans of these bastions of competence who are here to be celebrated, and rightfully so, for their ability to perform their vocation to an acceptable standard. It's a target for which we are all shooting, a goal towards which we all strive, a spaghetti Bolognese from which we would all dearly love to extract a strand of delicious pasta. All, that is, except for our nominees, who have already dined well upon it.” Henry spewed, losing himself in his own tenuous metaphor. “They will soon be arriving from places far and wide, coming along Slough Road, avoiding the nasty pot hole by the keep left sign, and pulling up at the celebrity disembarkation station. The disembarkation station, of course, is occupying the space normally used as the goods entrance, so it comes equipped with an array of heavy cranes and ramps. Normally this isn’t required for an awards ceremony, but it’s beneficial for those nominees who should wish to be cheered on by their favourite pallet of roofing tiles or tonne bag of miscellaneous aggregates." explained Henry, veteran of many a banal event and artisan of filling dead-air. "From the disembarkation station, our celebrities will be treated to a view over the luxurious Chicken Shack, purveyor of fried goods between the golden hours of 11pm and 4am, which boasts a rare negative one star hygiene rating; the latest inspection report, as we all know, stated that no working kitchen should be used as an abattoir, nor should the dishes be stored in the same holdall as the oil-rags of the MOT centre onto which Chicken Shack backs. It's a great read, well worth the time even if you are not a regular of the store." A tinny burst of sound in Henry's earpiece told him that vehicles were on the approach, and he should move his commentary along. Nodding uselessly by way of reply, he smoothly continued his patter.
"From this vista over a local landmark our celebrities will begin their walk along the red carpet, which this year has been supplied by Hungry Barry's Carpets & Laminate, and through the cheering, screaming and waving of the crowds and press alike. Our red carpet course this year was designed by Sir Terringham Goldenbrow, a real oracle of the red carpet arts who seems to lock onto the latest trends in red carpet layout even before they arrive, and my goodness me, listeners, is it a marvel of technical carpetspersonship.
We begin with a long straight from the disembarkation station, along which our nominees will be tempted to both greet a vast swathe of well-wishers, the very first adoring fans they'll see upon exiting the vehicle, and may also find themselves building up a lot of speed due to the singular directional nature of this section. It leads into our first bend, a classic ninety degree direction-changer bearing them round in a clockwise direction, that'll be a right turn for our nominees, taking them into what a lesser course designer would leave as another straight. Not our Terringham, however; he has incorporated an ingenious curve to the next run, swooping in a continuation of that right hand or clockwise bend until the nominees have completed a full one eighty! That's right, it's a right angle into a curve switchback, the likes of which would never have been seen in the red carpet scene even as little as five years ago. That's how far the art has come along, and that's how well our industry veterans keep their fingers on the pulse. Now, the crowds pinched within the two prongs of the walk will be capable of asking a question on pass one and then a related follow-up on the second pass, so our nominees will need to be prepared for that. It's a test of agility, presence of mind, and short term memory." Another buzz told Henry to continue moving things along.
"I am just hearing through my earpiece, listeners, that our first arrivals are mere moments away, so without wanting to do an injustice to Sir Terringham's design, I will more briefly summarise the rest of the carpet course. The switchback is followed by a simple anticlockwise, or left, sharp-angled bend cutting in to form a triangle. Nominees proceed up the hypotenuse, which is set onto a slight slope for a greater test of endurance, before tackling the Belgian chicane around a trio of waffle stands. With or without waffles, nominee's choice, they will take a difficult loop-de-loop and then end up on the home straight leading up to the double entry doors and photographers. It's a masterpiece of red carpet pathing design and I hope you will join me in not only congratulating Sir Terringham for his excellent work, but also in expressing excitement at seeing the nominees take it on."
A flashing amber light on the control panel of Henry's commentator tower alerted him of events to describe through window three. Pivoting in his chair, he centred his view on the relevant window, drew a short sip of voice-safeguarding water, and gathered his thoughts. Thankfully for Henry's vocation, there was rarely much to gather and therefore the silence did not drag on.
"Well, dear listeners, I'm now seeing our first vehicle pull up to the disembarkation station. The driver of this elegant sedan car, with polished bonnet and all of its tyres attached, has done a wonderful job of pulling into the bay. There's enough room to turn the wheels and pull away, but not so much of a gap that the passenger will need to stretch to reach the kerb. You absolutely love to see it, and you even come to expect it with the calibre of drivers who should be serving an awards ceremony focused on competence.
"And…yes, as expected, we’re seeing the driver exit the vehicle now, presumably having checked in their mirror for any passing motorists or pedestrians first, as is only sensible if you wish to avoid injuring a fellow human or damaging your car, and they are moving to open the rear passenger side door. They’re taking the traditional ‘front-of-the-car’ route, first made famous by the chauffeurs of the golden age of shipwright awards ceremonies; it offers a shorter path to the passenger side, provides the relative safety of the pavement or carpeted area, and allows for the driver to check the bonnet for any water birds or opportunistic mammals hitching a free ride. The front-of-the-car route does, however, come at the cost of drawing attention away from the nominee’s door and onto the chauffeur themselves. Clearly, the team behind this arrival believe that to be the lesser risk, and I, for what it’s worth, agree.” commentated Henry, doing his best to evoke in the listener a mental image of a sprawling management team backing each nominee, working tirelessly to ensure that their red carpet arrival was a success. He had no idea whether or not it was the truth, but it made for compelling commentary.
“There we are; a regulation seven strides to cover the distance from passenger side headlight to rear passenger door in this elongated awards ceremony arrival vehicle, and a single-handed handle-pull manoeuvre to release the door catch and reveal…” Henry’s inflection rose, and brought all the tensions and anticipation of the listening crowd with it, “Florence Easton! What a wonderful opening for this red carpet walk, here at the General Competence Awards, brought to you by Fergus and Fergus Varnish! A real veteran of the craft, as well as a regular face at every celebration of competence and a pioneer of the ‘just stop wasting time’ approach, Florence Easton is a fan favourite and a good person.”
At his right hand, resting on a bank of rarely used controls that only existed to lower the volume of his voice, was Henry’s manifest of red carpet attendees. A finger ran down the column of notable names until he found Florence Easton, and a tick appeared next to it shortly after, courtesy of a disposable pen.
“Florence, celebrated for her excellent work in the field of packing away children’s toys in a manner that’s compact without compromising accessibility, is showing us all exactly how a person should step from a car. If you’re watching the video feed then just look at that poise! No hesitation, no wobbling as weight is transferred from bottom to foot, just smooth transitions from car to carpet.” Henry had been particularly proud when he’d thought up that line, and was excited to use it as soon as possible. “This really is a sight to behold as she nods politely to the driver then takes up her position at the start of the carpet course. What a debut performance this carpet is about to have. What a venerable pair of… that looks like bowling shoes from here, so a nice choice, this carpet is going to feel. She’s testing the ground. She’s looking ahead and beginning to wave, smile already prepared on her face. Florence Easton will be off in three… two… one… and she’s moving!”
Excitedly, Henry grabbed his bottle of water and placed it in his lap, ready to gulp down a rejuvenating mouthful at a moment’s notice. With a nominee on the course there would be no time to waste, and very few opportunities for hydration.
“First is the long straight, the opening gambit or nominee’s sprint, depending on which school of red carpet traversal appreciation you’ve attended. Florence is performing an absolutely textbook Garuman’s Stride, named after Sylvester Garuman of course, placing one foot in front of the other in an alternating fashion, with every tenth step a little longer to allow for a leaping wave. Ms Easton’s wave of choice is the cup-and-splay, showing great versatility of hand movement without the flashy exuberance of a more animated motion. Picking up some speed as we predicted she might, Florence seems to have extended her waves just slightly to acknowledge two members of the crowd per cup, and a further four per splay, helped out by the hand’s increased breadth in the latter movement.
“Waving isn't the only skill our nominees need to display on this course, however. The question and answer relay, so named for the handing of a verbal baton from party to party, is just as vital, and Florence is doing spectacularly out of the gate, just as we expected from a nominee of her calibre. She's already fielded a question on her feelings about tonight, didn't even break stride for it, and rebuffed an attempt to ask about her outfit. Famously, Ms Easton doesn't care to discuss where she gets the hessian sacks in which she is so often clad, and it demonstrates a real lack of preparation from the foolish reporter who asked her that question. Regardless, she has handled it with grace, told a fan all about her morning routine, and tackled the first bend, our clockwise 90. A classic, no-nonsense heel turn on the right foot, very clean, very crisp, and now she's taking the sweeping bend. A bit of a tilt, or a lean if you'd prefer, on her posture now, no doubt to help with the cornering and retaining of speed as her direction shifts. Committing to a tilt like that long term will, as we all know, lead to uneven wear on the shoes; that's true whether you’re comparing one shoe to the other or looking across the sole of each individual shoe, but when used sparingly it does the absolute business for delivering a nominee from direction one to direction two. Beautifully executed stuff, and what's this? Yes? Yes? Yes I think she has taken a follow up question about the morning routine there, a speculation on how brunch fits in, and she has replied with 'often and decadently'. What a witty coda to a banal interrogative angle. Florence really could write the book on how to handle a red carpet procession."
A series of lights flashed on Henry's controls. It seemed that another vehicle was already on the approach, even before Florence had entered the Belgian chicane. A lesser commentator would have been vexed, flummoxed or inconvenienced by this, but Henry was made of far sterner stuff. He snatched a mouthful of water and kept his composure.
"After such an athletic display along the first half of our course here today will we see Florence tempted by anything from the Belgian Chicane? It's a perfectly acceptable approach to pick up a tasty dessert treat with chocolate sauce, fruit, or even a flavoured syrup, but it will mean a compromised capability to wave, speak or even move without spilling that self-same treat onto the nominee's own self or the carpet. That's just the waffle gamble; will Florence Easton roll those dice? She's approaching the first stand, a wooden structure which has been varnished, of course, with a hard wearing but lustrous coating from Fergus and Fergus Varnishes: a fantastic finish that looks great and guarantees weatherproofing for at least 3 years. She's looking at the waffle artist housed within that shining and well-protected structure, but it looks like that's just to say hello. Onto waffle stand two, which has a few display waffles to tempt the nominees further, but again it's just a greeting and away she goes. This is nail-biting stuff as we get ready for the third and final waffle stand. What will happen here? Will she resist the two-for-one offer in favour of greater hand freedom in the final stretch?" Henry's voice dropped in pitch and energy. He moved closer to the microphone, almost whispering. "She's standing at the serving hatch. She's discussing something with the vendor. It looks like this is taking longer than a simple hello, we could be about to see our first waffle order of the night..."
Even without a live audience in attendance, Henry could feel the collective pulse of his listeners. It beat along with the rhythm of his commentary, was carried along at the tempo he set, and as bathed in the detail and context he provided. They were in the palm of his voice, if such anatomical facets could be arranged, and they awaited his word on Florence's next action with a tension immeasurable.
"No! No, she's walking away again without any waffles in hand. I must confess, listeners that I'm not sure exactly went on between the two of them and... wait... I'm just hearing in my earpiece that... wow, what a nominee! What a red carpet walker! Florence Easton has paid for the next nominee's order! What a classy, altruistic move from the three-time winner of the ‘Wow, how did you get so many stacking cups in that zip-lock bag?’ award. And speaking of our next nominee,” Henry segued, as smooth as silk that’s been dipped liberally in caramel, “we have another car on the approach to the disembarkation station. Florence is sauntering with characteristic calm and confidence towards the loop-de-loop, so let’s take a moment to assess our next arrival. It appears that this driver is slightly newer to the ceremony, adopting a higher speed into the station than Florence’s, which could negatively affect the accuracy and stability of their stopping. The nominee inside could find, if they are drinking a glass of hot lemonade or tepid champagne, that they will soon be wearing their beverage unless something changes in the driving style fairly soon. The ground crews here at the General Competence Awards, sponsored by Fergus and Fergus Varnishes as previously discussed, are waving red flags and flapping high-vis vests at the new car in an attempt to signal them to stop, so we’ll have to come back to this and see how it all pans out.
“Back to Florence, I can see now that she has arrived at the base of the loop-de-loop and is weighing up her options. A tricky obstacle for a red carpet walker at any level, the loop-de-loop typically requires a great deal of speed to be taken into the ascending portion, with high-grip shoes and excellent co-ordination necessary to complete the full circuit and make it down to the other side. This particular loop measures over five metres in diameter, which is a tall order to scale, let alone circumscribe with the feet in a series of elegant hessian sacks and bowling shoes. If I could peer into Florence’s mind, the mind of this titan of competence and veteran of carpets that share a colour with blood or the red bits of a rainbow, I would be a much richer and more knowledgeable man. As it is, we are forced to speculate, to read her face as she peers at the final hurdle.
“At the disembarkation station, it pains me to say, we turn back to a scene of carnage. I’m counting two burst tyres on the next nominee’s car. It appears that the warnings of the ground crew were not heeded, or they could not be followed in time, and the car’s passenger-side wheels were scraped roughly against our bespoke sharpened kerbs. It’s going to be a day of much discussion internally, as the competence committee debates why the kerbs are sharpened at all, let alone to this degree, but for now we’re left to push on and make the best of things. I can see the driver now opening their door and getting out. Will they be penitent, or double down on their actions? We’ll have to wait and see, because Florence has made some kind of decision!”
In the split second between sentences, Henry steeled himself and loaded a few stock shocked phrases onto the tip of his tongue. The first attempt of a loop-de-loop would be recorded and replayed countless times, so he needed his soundbites to be concise, crisp, and insightful.
“Pawing at the ground. Bracing at the legs. She’s about to sprint for it, she’s taking it on! Here we go history books, prepare to meet your newest character! Listener, if only you could see the burst of speed on this woman, this competent nominee. Florence Easton is a blur of hessian! She’s at the base of the loop and she’s going quickly! Up one, two, three, four paces, but drifting to the left! She’s off centre! She’s going to-“ Henry stopped, and he gasped, unprofessionally taken by surprise at events unfolding in front of his eyes. “Oh my goodness me, listener, she’s only gone and hopped from the ascending ramp to the descending one, circumventing the loop entirely by employing the infamous Lindy Hop, named after Georgina Lindy, who famously hopped over a red ribbon rather than cutting it with enormous scissors. I never thought I’d see the day that such a technique was employed on the red carpet. This is an uncharacteristically subversive move from Ms Easton, and one that’s sure to cause a stir among the crowd and the pundits alike. I, for one, congratulate Florence on her presence of mind. It’s a real demonstration of her no nonsense, down-to-earth, why-run-up-a-wall attitude to life, to packing away toys, and to walking on red carpets. What a nominee!”
Trying to sound as authentic as possible, Henry burst into impressed applause, making sure to clap at a distance from the microphone which would not cause his listeners discomfort or introduce unpleasant plosive sounds to the recording. There was no time to waste, however, with another nominee to commentate.
“Now, as Florence crosses the final stretch and enters the photographers’ gallery, we turn our attention back to the carnage at the disembarkation station. It looks like this second driver is taking the riskier driver’s-side route to the rear of the vehicle, securing less air time for themselves but having to walk in the road and pass by not only the red hot exhaust pipe of the vehicle, but also any carelessly discarded chicken from Chicken Shack. From their posture and countenance, I would say, in my relatively humble opinion, that this driver is feeling defiant in the face of their two shredded tyres. Indeed, they show no sign of even glancing at the ruined wheels of their car, instead opening the door as if nothing has happened and beckoning out their nominee. It’s bare-faced, it’s bold, and to some degree it shows an ability to stick to the plan, but my goodness that’s going to be a pricey parking technique if adopted in perpetuity.
“But I digress; getting out of the car and looking a little shaken we have none other than Benjamin Hoopla, nominated for ‘Greatest Interval Reliably Achieved Between Subsequent Grocery Shops, open bracket, No Supplemental Shops or Missed Meals, close bracket’. It’s a hotly contested award, but one that carries a great deal of pride and even greater respect among the competent community. If we could all reduce our grocery shopping frequency to a mere once per quarter then I’m sure we’d do it, and these nominees are all artisans in that endeavour. A few terse words have been exchanged between Benjamin and his driver, who still appears to have dismissed any notion of remorse, and is returning to the car as if nothing has happened. Oh, now this can’t be the start that Benjamin would have wanted for his walk, setting off to the sound of steel wheels directly grinding against tarmac, but such is the hand he has been dealt.”
Aerially viewed from his tower, Henry could see the sparks flying from the wheels of the wrecked car. He watched with concern as they hit the vast stocks of tinder and kindling that were, inexplicably, kept in the disembarkation station, and then kept half an eye on the panicking ground crew as they scrambled for fire extinguishers. Although the blossoming fire was rather a concerning turn of events for those physically present, Henry, as commentator, owed it to the nominees to keep the focus where it should be: on the red carpet. The public could find out about any terrible blazes in the next day’s news cycle.
“Not one to be deterred by a rocky entrance, Benjamin has set off at more of a brisk clip than Florence, and is using the less commonly seen Salute-Light wave. It’s a flat-hand tapped to the forehead and then sliced, at a shallow angle, towards the recipient. Some argue that it’s less stuffy than the cup-and-splay, and that’s certainly what will have driven Benjamin into the use of this hand-greeting, despite its objectively inferior coverage to the more traditional methods. But, what he risks with one hand he conserves with the other; there’s a whole hand free to point at questioners and give them rapid-fire responses, complete with a playful smirk or wink. This is some really great and, dare I say it, disruptive crowd work from the infrequent shopper. I would estimate that Mr Hoopla has answered nearly twice as many questions as Ms Easton had done by this point. Her fuller and more earnest answers may carry greater weight with those lucky enough to get a response, but this response-dense walk is going to give everyone something to talk about.”
A message came through Henry’s earpiece with some urgency.
“They’re even earlier than Benjamin was.” he hissed back, trying to keep it inaudible on the broadcast. “I… yes, understood. I can handle it.” His assurances to the producers were more confident than they had any right to be. The next nominee was far too early; it would make a mess of the commentary for sure, but Henry had got out of worse scrapes than that.
“Apologies for the silence, listeners, but I am here with you as Benjamin takes the right 90 with a flamboyant Ipswich Spring, leaping with both feet, twisting in the air, and landing in a way that evokes a sense of Suffolk. It was a bit of a rocky landing, maybe because of the attempt to keep waving in mid-air, maybe because of an existing leg injury, maybe because of a predilection for cooking with too much salt; at this stage, we really can do nothing but speculate and slander.” Henry could feel himself drifting off topic. He recalibrated. “Regardless, the sweeping curve is next, and it looks like Benjamin is forgoing Florence’s tilt in favour of a rigid, upright posture. Far be it from me to tell anyone how to walk on a carpet, even a fine carpet from Hungry Barry’s Carpets & Laminate, the only carpets good enough to eat or your money kept, but I think this is a mistake, especially when travelling at such twist-neck speeds. Granted, Benjamin is wearing pair of very sensible hiking shoes, with grip for days and padding for weeks, but all the grip in the world won’t make up for a lack of balance. But what’s this?” he said, feigning surprise, “it looks like another car is on the way already. And if that last one was filled with a sense of urgency, this third vehicle is positively fervent with zeal to get a drop-off made. They’ve absolutely shattered the barrier arm that separates road from driveway, and are making liberal use of the pavement in reaching the disembarkation station.” laughed Henry. “What a character behind that wheel. What a character.
“But back to the on-carpet action, it looks as if Benjamin Hoopla, patron saint of a well-stocked cupboard, is tackling the hill with the same extreme pace he showed on the flat, and is hardly slowing down as he approaches the Belgian Chicane. Neither cornering nor the promise of a tasty batter treat can arrest this man’s momentum, but perhaps that’s to be expected from someone who minimises their time in the supermarket with an almost obsessive passion. He’s cleared the first two waffle stands easily, but stand three, the ever-dangerous two-for-one, is lurking there. It holds not only the promise of reducing his waffle shop frequency by half, but also having his order pre-paid by Florence. It’s a masterful honey-trap from the toy-stacker, and plays right into the weaknesses of Mr Hoopla. We can see his gaze drawn to the vendor, who is leaning out of the window and trying to impress upon him the extreme good value he can extract from a transaction here. Can he resist? Can he keep going? He’s slowing. He’s still slowing! He’s stopped!” roared Henry, overcome by the drama unfolding. His earpiece was practically blowing up as the producers tried to get his attention back on the new vehicle, but Mr Hoopla succumbing to waffles was too much to ignore. “Listeners, I can hardly believe my eyes, but stand three was enough to give Benjamin pause, and he is now browsing the menu. Under normal circumstances this would be a lull in proceedings, but there is a whole other source of excitement going on in the disembarkation station!
Some expletives centring around the phrase ‘finally’ came through the earpiece, but Henry paid them no mind. He was an artist, and the flow of commentary could not be allowed to falter.
“It seems that our barrier-breaking car has gone on to express itself a little more, and has driven through a whole gaggle of the fire fighters trying to douse Mr Hoopla’s blaze! They were trying to put out the fire in some boxes of what I assume to be soft drinks or candle wax, it could be either, and now they’re strewn among the fragments of wood, packaging and ash! Such humorous scenes have not been witnessed at a General Competence Awards ceremony, sponsored by Fergus and Fergus Varnishes or otherwise, in many a year. Making the previous vehicle look like a mobility scooter with the engine removed, this new car seems to be swerving specifically to hit as much of the crew, the unloaded stock and the fire as possible! Whoever lurks inside certainly knows how to make an entrance, and Benjamin Hoopla’s efforts will certainly be forever overshadowed. What a ludicrously pedestrian performance from his driver by comparison. Why listener, I don’t think it’s overstepping the mark to say that I have lost a lot of respect for Mr Hoopla in this moment. A quick glance back to him confirms that, yes, he has opted for a chocolate-orange waffle for his first, and a soot and chips waffle for his freebie. An eclectic choice if ever I saw one, and a statement on how well-stocked the toppings fridge is at waffle stand three.
“Back to nominee three, they’ve come screeching to a halt a few feet beyond the demarcated disembarkation station, planting the bonnet of the car firmly into the first aid tent. It’s a highly unorthodox strategy, but one that is certainly turning heads. And is the driver exiting the vehicle, you might be asking. No, listener. In yet another upset by this genre-bending, expectation challenging and automotive crime committing nominee, they are opening the door and getting out for themselves! While the driver is backing up! These are scenes that I would never have expected to see at such a prestigious and competence-focused event, but it’s a refreshing palate cleanser in a peculiar sort of way.
“But I digress! We can now see that this nominee is none other than Lisa Carmichael! It’s her first nomination, having displayed an impeccably intuitive grasp of how to operate any piece of heavy machinery or gadget, at home, in the office, or on the building site. Clearly she’s eager to throw off the bookish, nerdy image that some might force onto her in relation to knowing how a printer works, and she’s proving to be a woman of action above all else.
“Wasting no time, she has already set off along the first straight at a full sprint! Before Mr Hoopla has even finished packing up his waffle order! The driver is pulling away with the same haste for which we’ve come to know them and… yes! It looks like they've pulled away again through four... no, make that six paramedics. They certainly know how to bring fireworks to this occasion and it’ll give the General Competence Committee something to think about for future events."
Head darting from one nominee to the other, Henry tried to compartmentalise his mind and keep track of both of them. It was the challenge he’d been born for, a real test of a true commentator.
“The only way I can describe Ms Carmichael’s approach to answering questions is guttural! She is screaming responses as if the questions are approaching predators, and her waves have a ferocity that I’ve not seen since I commentated on the karate chop championships at the Old Lumber Mill many moons ago. There’s an autograph book being held out to her, in a manner that I consider to be vastly misguided and… yes, she’s chopped it clean in half with a frenzied slap.
“Back to Benjamin, he’s two mouthfuls into his chocolate-orange waffle, a boring choice for a tedious nominee, and it seems that he’s noticed the approaching Lisa! One can only assume that he was tipped off by the deafening and frankly terrifying wails coming from Ms Carmichael.
“She herself has skidded around the right 90, bouncing from the barrier and taking the opportunity to elbow a journalist in the nose. That won’t go down well with the press junket, but it’s proving popular among the public. Much like Mr Hoopla before her, she’s making no effort to lean around the sweeping bend! It’s dangerous. It’s risky. And it’s ending in disaster! She’s down! She’s fallen down and is sliding across the carpet towards the outside edge barrier. It’s making the crowd flee, it’s made Benjamin choke on his waffle, and it’s probably giving Lisa some serious carpet burns on her bare arms. The string vest was a bold choice for an awards ceremony, but by now that’s not surprising for this whirlwind of disruption. Surely, she would have slid more easily if the fine Hungry Barry’s carpet had been varnished by our sponsor, Fergus and Fergus Varnishes, the only varnish that’ll stop the tide coming in, but it was not to be.
“Back to Benjamin, it looks like he’s appealing to the crew on the ground to stop Lisa disrupting his walk, like a coward, but it looks from his disappointed face that his pleas have been ignored! Lisa will not be intercepted, possibly for the safety of the staff here at the General Competence Awards.
“Ms Carmichael has used the momentum of her slide to flip back onto her feet and that’s one, two and three roars of frustration, or perhaps determination, and now she’s somehow moving at a faster sprint than before! The hill is being absolutely eaten up under her footfalls and I can see the waffle stand staff very wisely abandoning ship as she approaches. Indeed, she is showing no signs of wanting to turn and… crash! She’s through stand one! Wallop! Stand two is splintered in front of her! Stand three will surely follow next and kaboom! She emerges with waffles in each fist, and now her sights are on Benjamin Hoopla himself. The fool is still in her path! He’s trying to run but it’s too little too late. He’ll surely be shattered like those waffle stands but… no! Another shock turn! Lisa Carmichael, forklift aficionado and mini-digger savant has swept Benjamin Hoopla up in a fire fighter’s carry! This is not a drill, and this is not a move anyone with a semblance of good sense would anticipate or attempt. She’s even trying to stuff further waffles into his mouth! A carrier I can believe easily, but feeder I did not think she would be.
“The loop-de-loop is dead ahead of her, and she shows no sign of slowing, even with Mr Hoopla’s weight and his terrified thrashing! It looks like he’s appealing to her to stop, appealing to the crowd to help, and trying to physically break free, but even arms strengthened by month-heavy shopping bags can’t seem to affect the titanic monolith that is Lisa Carmichael. And here she goes! First foot on the ascending ramp! She’s climbing! She’s climbing up the ramp! She’s actually doing it!”
Henry, despite himself, had stood up from his stool and was hunched over the microphone, vibrating with excitement and desperately trawling his mind for appropriate metaphors.
“She’s a wall-of-death woman, a stunt rider of a human!” was the best he could manage, but his brain was firing too hard to care. “She’s at the top! Benjamin is crying but she’s ignoring it! And she’s down the other side!” he screamed, jumping up and down on the spot and dislodging his manifest from the control panel. “Listeners, this is the most incredible red carpet display I have ever seen in my long and storied career! Lisa Carmichael, first of her name and first among nominees who will later face assault charges, has completed the loop-de-loop with a tearful and terrified Benjamin Hoopla in tow! This is history! This is a notable event for the masses! But she’s not stopping to bask in the glory; she’s instead barrelling past the photographers’ gallery and has broken clean through the double doors into the Bilious Centre! What a time to be alive. What a sight to see here, at the General Competence Awards, sponsored by Fergus and Fergus Varnishes, the only varnish that could stop Lisa Carmichael. Please stay tuned and take a moment to calm down as we listen to these messages.”
Henry clicked off the microphone and let the adverts roll.