Empress Adirn 12: Diplomatic Impunity

​Although their quarters might have been a labyrinth of soft furnishings and an unwelcome insight into the mind of Divine Light Thomas Dove, Adirn and her retinue were still able to enjoy a comfortable and reasonably uneventful night. Once all the windows had been opened, regardless of whether or not they’d been designed to do so, currents of cool air had been allowed to travel through the rooms and transport the cloying perfume out into Serenitas. It probably constituted an ecological disaster or a chemical attack worthy of Emperor Smog the Choker, but those were consequences which the empress was prepared to accept for the cause of being able to breathe freely.
                True to the word of Wendigo Springtime it was a mere few minutes before knocking sounded from one of the doors, signalling the arrival of Adirn’s luggage. After navigating his way through innumerable chaises-longue, and hitting a few dead-ends on the way, Keto opened the door to an army of porters and household servants. For a few minutes thereafter he was occupied with directing them, and the remainder of the Onyxian military escort, in the distribution of trunks and bags throughout the guest quarters. Alongside the baggage which Adirn had packed appeared a vast quantity of footwear from the carriage. Despite their impeccable manners and discipline, the porters couldn’t help discussing out loud the various sizes and styles of shoe that the Onyxian Empress had chosen to bring with her, nor could they suppress their shock that she’d had to resort to using the carriage roof as a transport solution. For the sake of a quiet evening she decided not to start explaining herself.
                When Adirn awoke the following morning it was from a surprisingly restful sleep, especially considering how her mind had been spinning with anxiety about the impending meeting with Thomas Dove. The manifold ways in which it might go wrong had conspired to keep her awake, but between the much-reduced aroma of perfume, the delightfully unnecessary number of posters her bed comprised, and the mattress which might well have been made from the abstract notion of comfort itself, she had no trouble drifting off. Waking up to the soft, natural illumination of sunlight behind a set of blinds, rather than the panicked screeching of a few dozen corvids, didn’t do any harm to her mood upon waking either.
                With Gwen absent from the travelling company Adirn had been enjoying the ability to select and don her own outfits. Having done so for her whole life up to the coronation she’d felt that it was a skill she’d mastered long ago, and that she didn’t really need any assistance to complete such a commonplace task. Standing at the foot of her guest bed however, looking over the various chaises-longue to stare at herself in the mirror, she finally found herself in want of Gwen’s advice. Whilst packing they’d worked together to select the least offensive wardrobe, and discussed which compositions might allow the various embroidered motifs to be covered up, but standing alone on the morning of her meeting she would have been grateful for a second opinion.
                If they’d only known a little more about Divine Light Thomas Dove, other than the fact that he had awful taste in perfume, overestimated the appeal of chaises-longue, and wrote excessively patronising missives, she could have made an informed choice. As it was, she found herself guessing as to whether skulls, garrottes, or bloodied daggers would appeal most to his sense of pity. None of them sounded like reliable prospects. With every passing moment it grew more tempting to take a blade to the chaises-longue, cut off their upholstery, and rapidly tailor something more regal. Unfortunately, doing so would have required summoning Thomas Dove’s own tailor, so the secret of where such fine fabrics had been found at short notice would not have been kept for long. Earning an immediate reputation as a vandal wouldn’t help the discussions to go well, the empress decided, but it was hard to know if turning up in a dagger-themed outfit would be any better.
                After longer than she would have liked, Adirn managed to resist the urge not to destroy her hosts furniture. Instead, she chose to wear her garrotte-themed clothing. If questioned she could always argue that the garrottes were simply over-specified cheese-wire, and that the clothing was intended to pay tribute to the Onyx Empire’s fledgling dairy industry. It would hardly be the most ludicrous cultural tradition she’d need to defend during discourse with Thomas Dove.
                Shortly after she’d managed to dress herself breakfast was brought up to the dining room of the guest suite. Despite the excellent selection, masterful preparation and beautiful presentation of the dishes presented to the Onyxian delegation, Adirn found her appetite receding as the hour of the meeting approached. No amount of mixed fruit could tempt her, nor any of the hot brown breakfast drinks that the chefs toted as ideal morning exhilarators. In a dramatic reversal of the usual hierarchy, one which she’d felt scant few times in her life, her stomach was now a slave to the whims of her mind.
                When Wendigo Springtime arrived to collect her, he found the empress waiting nervously by one of the open windows in the dining room. In the back of his mind he’d been sure that the window at which she stood was in a rigid frame with no hinges, but he set aside that notion for later.
                “Your eminence; the appointed time of your audience with Divine Light Thomas Dove is nearly upon us. Would you allow me to show you to his most radiant Elucidation Chamber?”
                “Of course, thank you.” She’d replied simply, tearing herself away from fearful rumination and facing the governor. The empress saw him shiver slightly in the cold morning air, but neither one of them could resent the temperature when it had delivered them from a highly perfumed asphyxiation.
                “Are you sure that you don’t wish for an escort your eminence?” Keto asked. Wendigo jumped almost out of his skin, having not noticed the captain of the guard lurking among the chaises-longue.
                “Very sure, Keto. What kind of message would it send to our gracious hosts if I were to march into the Elucidation Chamber with an armed escort?”
                “A message that says you’re not to be attacked, your eminence.” He answered.
                “You have my word that no harm will befall the empress in this citadel, Captain Toxis.” Wendigo said, trying to offer some reassurance; the look that he received by way of reply implied that none had been found.
                “I’ll be fine. Please use this opportunity to relax a little, Keto. Goodness knows that you’ve had fewer breaks than I have over the last couple of months, so take what you can get. Lie out on a chaise-longue or something.” Adirn advised. Governor Springtime nodded sagely in agreement.
                “As you order, your eminence.” Captain Toxis replied stiffly. In a devastating blow to Adirn’s hopes that her captain of the guard might ever rest, he remained standing rigidly to attention while Wendigo led her from the room.
                “I hope you’ll forgive Keto’s implication, Governor Springtime. He takes his duties very seriously and has learned to expect danger in every moment from a lifetime’s imperial service.” The empress explained once the door had been closed.
                “No offence was taken, your eminence. He is yet to cut me down, and for that I shall remain eternally grateful.”
                Another of the citadel’s impressive moving platforms carried the empress and the governor high up into the Radiant Citadel, accelerating them upwards with muffled orchestra of chains, gears, and winches. Deposited several stories above the guest quarters, they began to walk along a broad corridor. Running along the full perimeter of the tower, the corridor was lined with windows to provide a panoramic view over all of Serenitas as they walked along it. Morning sunlight sent bright white reflections up at them from the roof-scape below, projecting angular patterns and refracted spectra onto the sparkling white internal walls.
                “The city is beautiful from up here, Wendigo.” The empress said. It felt like the sort of thing that would be required under the circumstances. Quite why people found being able to see a single roof disinteresting but a whole city’s worth suddenly beautiful she’d never understood, but etiquette and tradition were rarely close to rationality in her experience.
                “Certainly, your eminence. The ascent to the Elucidation Chamber was purposefully designed to cause any petitioners, and the Divine Lights themselves, to look over the city and drink in that beauty. It is this view which helps them to gain perspective before holding their discussions.” The governor explained. Pretention began to pour from every brick in the tower as he spoke, and Adirn wasn’t sure whether Horizon’s Bane or where she now stood was the more sickening tower. “From this angle you can see the Sanctified Square of Divine Light Mary Hallow. It was there that she personally protected the young butcher’s apprentice from stubbing his toe on a worn slab of paving.”
                After a moment of puzzled staring at Governor Springtime it became apparent that the story of the Sanctified Square was done, and the empress obediently followed his pointing finger. Indeed there seemed to be a large, open square among the buildings.
                “Wonderful. That was very kind of her to do.” The empress said, just in case Wendigo was waiting for a remark about the unremarkable.
                “And to the right, there are three clustered domes. Each one is topped with a golden bird. They are the commemorative mausoleums of the aviaries of Divine Light Theodore Flys-By-Wing; between them they honour the tragic loss of his much-loved winged pets. They were stolen away one night, many centuries ago, and no trace of them was found thereafter. The event is roughly concurrent with the founding of the Onyx Empire, interestingly enough.”
                The imperial face tautened as Adirn remembered Empress Kegyetlen’s bench. Wide-eyed with panic and guilt she looked Wendigo in the eye.
                “That must have been a terrible loss, and I would like to pass on my condolences. Certainly I can scour the Onyx Empire for any trace of the suspect if you think that to be a wise course of action.” She stiffly offered, through a throat was trying its hardest to close up.
                “I… that’s very kind of you, your eminence, but I suspect that all parties involved are long dead by now.” The governor replied with a concerned frown. Adirn swallowed hard to create an airway again.
                “Should we be moving along to the Elucidation Chamber? I would hate to keep the Divine Light waiting.”
                “Of course, your eminence.” Governor Springtime agreed, grateful for a reason to look away from her plain desperation.
                The corridor, as Wendigo had alluded, served no purpose other than to provide a panorama of the city and deliver them to yet another moving platform. At the top of that one they were presented with another windowed hallway that offered largely similar views over Serenitas. Under normal circumstances the governor would have stopped to highlight more of the key landmarks within the city, but the empress hadn’t taken well to news of the mausoleum for reasons that he couldn’t begin to work out. Wondering if he’d inadvertently brought up a bad memory, or said something accidentally upsetting, he led the way in silence up five more moving platforms and along five more corridors. By the end of the final corridor, when Wendigo came to a halt in front of a particularly grand set of gilded doors, Adirn was left red-faced and out of breath.
                “What on earth is the point of those moving platforms?” She panted. In the same frustrating way as Keto, Wendigo Springtime showed no sign of exertion.
                “They save us the effort of climbing the staircases, your eminence.”
                “Seems a bit redundant given how far we’ve had to walk anyway. Could have just put windows in the stairwell and saved yourselves a lot of bother.” The empress wheezed.
                “Perhaps so, your eminence. But for now, the Elucidation Chamber is through this doorway, your eminence. Do you feel yourself to be ready to enter?” He asked politely.
                “Well I did until you asked me that!” panicked the voice of Adirn’s rising anxiety. “Do I not look ready?” She began to feel at her face, worrying that sweat was still beading on her cheeks.
                “That wasn’t intended to be my implication, your eminence.” Wendigo tried to say, but the empress continued.
                “I mean, I’ve run over everything I wish to discuss in my head, and I’ve tried to think about what Divine Light Thomas Dove might ask of me… is there some piece of White Alliance etiquette I’ve not been informed about? A special bow to perform in front of the Divine Light or a manner of holding myself? A way to ask for the bathroom that won’t cause offence?”
                “No, no, no, and yes in that order, your eminence. If you say please when asking for the bathroom then that won’t cause offence, although I would recommend going to one now rather than during the audience if that is within your power.” Wendigo replied, desperately trying to regain some control and calm the empress down.
                “Alright… alright… do I need to go?” The empress muttered to herself. Wendigo watched on, deeply concerned that Adirn had to think so hard about the matter. “No. No I don’t.” She finally decided. “Although as to whether managing not to wet myself during conversation is ‘within my power’ we shall just have to wait and see.”
                There was a silence in the bright hallway.
                “Very well then, your eminence.” Wendigo finally said. “I shall open the doors.”
                Governor Springtime’s declaration of intention seemed at odds with his actions, since he moved away from the doors as he spoke. Puzzled, and anxiously wondering if she’d drastically misheard him, the empress watched him cross to a thick rope that hung from a hole in the ceiling. After a firm, steady pull there immediately came another whirring from beyond the masonry, one which could just about be felt vibrating the floor beneath her. The enormous, ostentatious doors started to swing open. Quickly Adirn brushed herself down and tried to straighten up her clothing, such that the embroidered garrottes were all well-aligned with one another, and a blaze of brilliant light spilled from the Elucidation Chamber into the hallway.
                At first it was dazzling; a hot, yellow glow of golden light that engulfed her face and left her blinded. Gradually, as Adirn’s squinted eyes adjusted to the intense irradiance, the Elucidation Chamber of Divine Light Thomas Dove resolved into view.
                Immediately clear was the source of the light; two enormous golden mirrors were situated at the rear of the room and had been turned directly towards the doorway. The morning sunlight which streamed through dozens of floor-to-ceiling windows and a vast dome of a stained-glass above shone straight at them, and they in turn reflected every scrap of that light into Adirn’s unprepared retinas. Without a single pillar or column in the chamber there was no shade in which to hide; much like the awkward corridor of Emperor Tyrranick, the long white carpet leading towards the other end of the chamber would be a unbroken, exposed slog.
                For the moment, all that she could make out between the bright beams was a vast golden throne. It sat upon a dais at the opposite end of the chamber, looming high enough to demonstrate authority but not so high as to suggest judgement. Aside from the choice of décor, and the quantity of light that those décor choices permitted, the Elucidation Chamber was not so different to the Audience Chamber in the Imperial Palace; a broad hall in which petitioners could gather and speak, and a platform for the ruler and their council at one end. Perhaps, Adirn thought to herself, they would find some common ground after all. Alternatively, her inner Katherine snapped, there was just a single sensible way to lay out a space in which petitioners could speak to a ruler.
                “Welcome! Welcome, honoured guest, to the Most Radiant Elucidation Chamber of Divine Light Thomas Dove, Protector of the White Alliance, Defender of the Downtrodden, Rebuker of the Downtreader, Friend to the Animals, Cousin to the People, Great-Uncle to the Outlying Nations and Best-Friend to all.” Boomed the crisp, clipped voice of a well-spoken announcer. It came from somewhere the darkness around the throne, but Adirn’s efforts to scour it for a figure yielded no success. Before she could thank the unseen speaker for their warm welcome, it continued: “Please, approach the Seat of Burden and introduce yourself. We would be both pleased and honoured to make your acquaintance, and to see how wonderful your hair must surely look in the sunlight that shines over Serenitas.”
                As requested, Adirn strode along the brilliant white carpet, which also made efforts towards blinding her, and made her approach to the throne with a new self-consciousness about her hair. For the first dozen or so steps she was marching towards nothing but light and a throne, but as she progressed deeper into the chamber a group of silhouettes started to resolve. Adirn’s heart sank when she realised their familiarity; Elucidator Heartswarmth stood to the right hand side of the throne, and to his right Illuminators Joy Honourborn and Rachael Verity. On the left of the throne were Illuminators Bloom Summers and Bliss Luminance. A small way from the rest was a figure that Adirn didn’t recognise, but presumed to be the announcer who had greeted her so enthusiastically. The only figure who still remained a mystery was the one occupying the throne, still rendered a dark shape by the bright reflections from the gold of the throne itself.
                Smaller details in the remainder of the chamber had become visible as Adirn moved out of the reflective path of the mirrors. Engraved writings littered the walls and floor to either side of the carpet, tapestries hung on what little wall space existed between the huge windows, and, of course, the edges of the room were lined with nearly a hundred chaises-longue. Regardless of the emergence of these details, however, the empress held her gaze respectfully forwards toward the throne. There would be time for gawping at the furnishings later. At least, she hoped there would be.
                Grateful that her boots made almost no sound on top of the soft white carpet, the empress continued her long march towards the dais and held her eyes on the dark shape in the throne. It was painful to be the focus of so much silent attention, with everyone surely scrutinising her appearance and bearing the whole time. What would they be thinking about her garrotte-heavy appearance? Did she look small and pathetic on her lone approach to the throne? Would they judge her boots as unbefitting of a woman of status? The aesthetics of leadership had never come easily to Adirn, not helped by the generally grim apparel available to her, but she at least knew that she could hold a smile. Whether that made the collection of embroidered garrottes on her torso look more or less sinister would doubtless be determined in time.
                In a small act of mercy, one for which the empress had barely dared to hope, the reflections from the golden throne finally stopped shining in her eyes a few paces before the end of the white carpet. No longer hidden by the throne’s own dazzling, sitting with one hand thoughtfully on his chin and the other on the arm of his throne, was Divine Light Thomas Dove.
                Ever since his missive, Adirn had built up a number of mental images of how the Divine Light might look. Some of the images were of a broad-chested, square-jawed crusader hero; equal parts charisma, nobility and muscle with superiority complex so severe that anything but perpetual bowing would be taken as a sign of defiance. Others painted him as an almost sarcastically moral paragon, one whose unimposing physicality was counterpointed by an ethical code so fanatical that sitting down was deemed cruel to buttocks. The image in which Adirn had grown most confident since her arrival at the Radiant Citadel, however, was the well-intentioned fool; one who thought that the application bright colours, spectacular architecture, and more seating than the whole city could ever need would be enough to make universal happiness a reality. She’d pictured untameable hair that some hairdresser or other would spend a lifetime attempting to make presentable, the finest clothes money could buy managing to just about not fit, and a series of righteous lectures which missed the real point of why people committed injustices but, nevertheless, encouraged them to be nice. Given the shoe incident of the day before, she suspected that the road to Hell could have been paved, re-pointed, and undergone lane-widening work with the good-intentions of this Divine Light. Ultimately, however, her attachment to idle speculation on the man Thomas Dove might have been was futile, because what the empress saw in front of her matched nothing she’d anticipated.
                The Divine Light’s frame was neither a solid wall of muscle nor an atrophied skeleton. It was neither obese nor emaciated, but did a perfectly passable job of holding up his clothing without raising any harrowing questions about nutrition or exercise regimes. White robes similar to those of the illuminators adorned him, just decadent enough to suggest rank without being an obvious display of opulence, and they were worn-out enough to show that he didn’t make waste of wealth despite clearly being able to do so. His crossed legs ended in white slippers of some sort which tapered to a point, and the empress’ first thought was that they probably made climbing the stairs a real nightmare. Then she remembered that he would never have to do so thanks to the moving platforms; such was the privilege of his position, she supposed. Shoulders that were slightly broader than normal but otherwise unimpressive extended like a robed table on which his slightly over-long neck could rest. The face above was fixing Adirn with the kind of interested smirk that didn’t scan as smug, but certainly wasn’t too far away. His mouth was like a crooked cabinet door, slightly ajar as it hung beneath a pair of large, piercing green eyes. Swept back was a mop of golden hair, seemingly threatening to flop down over the sides of his face at any moment but holding still for the time being. All-in-all, Adirn thought, he was disappointingly normal. Even so she found her mouth drying and her throat closing again as she halted in front of him. All eyes were on her. All ears were waiting.
                “Divine Light Thomas Dove.” She said, forcing the words from her reluctant mouth. “I am Empress Adirn Deepgrave of the Onyx Empire and I am honoured to meet you in person.” A deep bow bought her some time to take a breath and try to calm herself. Unfortunately she’d bowed so low that her head was upside-down, so it didn’t really help matters. “I wish to gratefully thank you for extending an invitation for me to speak with you.”
                “Welcome, Empress Adirn Deepgrave of the Onyx Empire. It is my pleasure to host you in my Radiant Citadel, and I certainly hope that your quarters are suitably fragrant and comfortable.” Thomas Dove replied, smiling broadly to reveal implausibly white teeth. “You have already had the pleasure of meeting my Elucidator and his Illuminators, of course.”
                “Yes, your divinity. Lovely to see you all again.” Adirn said with a nod to the Divine Light’s company. Elucidator Heartswarmth at least had seemed like a reasonable human, so it was only four fifths of a lie.
                “Your eminence.” Elucidator Heartswarmth replied with a shallow bow.               
                “Did you have sufficient chaises-longue? I would hate to think that you came all this way and were deprived comfort at the last moment.” Thomas Dove continued, shooting a glance at his Elucidator, who bravely resisted giving a withering look and deep sigh back.
                “Oh, yes, thank you. We had plenty.”
                “I can arrange for more to be brought to you. Don’t be bashful in asking for them.”
                “I promise, your Divinity, that we couldn’t possibly need a single chaise-longue more in those quarters. Your kindness is gratefully received however.” Adirn persisted. Whether she stayed here another night or not she couldn’t bear the thought of Wendigo Springtime trying to force more furniture into those rooms.
                “Good. Very good. In that case, before we proceed any further, there is a matter that we must discuss with some urgency. It will be easier now that you have had a demonstration of what it means for a ruler to show generosity and understanding to those at a disadvantage to them.” He said. Immediately Adirn felt twin burning sensations in her cheeks and stomach. Insults were something that she could deal with, but he didn’t even sound condescending; he just dropped that statement in as if it were a matter of obvious fact that he’d just educated her. The empress’ temper prickled, and the memory of his written invitation to attend Serenitas came flooding back again. “Please, what’s this talk I’ve heard of my citizens being left without shoes shortly after your carriage passed through?”
                Anger at the Divine Light metamorphosed into frustration with the zealously generous idiots out in the city. The empress bit her tongue and forced a deep breath in through her nose.
                “That was, I fear, a misguided attempt by your citizens to welcome me. For some reason they thought that I was in need of shoes and didn’t hesitate before giving me their own.”
                Divine Light Thomas Dove somehow found a way to straighten up even higher in his seat.
                “You mean to blame my people for the fact that you took their shoes?”
                “No! No, not blame them, I’m saying that they made an assumption and their natural kindness, which is so evident and a credit to your dominion, took hold before reason did.” She clarified, making panicked gesticulations to mime someone throwing a shoe without thinking.
                Thomas Dove’s lips tightened as the illuminators sniggered to one another.
                “Sweet words indeed, but I would have told them ‘no thank you’ in your position. Are you trying to tell me that it didn’t occur to you to do so?”
                “Quite the opposite; I did tell them no! But I guess they couldn’t hear me, or they weren’t listening, or they just wouldn’t take no for an answer.”
                “Well you can’t have tried very hard. My people are exceptionally obedient, to a fault in fact. I have to try very hard not to accidentally issue a command to them in my everyday speech.” He said.  “Still, no matter; I’ve heard all I need to and my emergency cobblers are already out there, remedying the situation. Stealing shoes is not right for anyone, least of all a ruler; do you and I have an understanding here?”
                “Wha… of course we have an understanding. I have never stolen a shoe, nor thought it to be acceptable behaviour.”
                “I don’t want to hear any more on this, Empress Adirn Deepgrave. We have more important matters to discuss and this wastes both of our time. I’m rebuking you.”
                “You’re right, it is a waste of time, bu-“
                “I’m the Rebuker of the Downtreader, you see.”
                “Yes, so-“
                “So consider yourself rebuked.”
                “I’ve not trodden down on anybody, Divine Light.”
                “And nor did my citizens. Now, in fact, they can’t tread down, up, or in any other direction because they have no shoes. But that’s enough on the subject. There are other, more worrying matters to clear up. I just need to be sure that you’re sufficiently rebuked before we go on.”
                Adirn gritted her teeth hard, and it wreaked a terrible toll on the smile she still tried to hold. She needed to show a willingness to compromise if he was ever going to trust her, and some fights weren’t worth it, she told herself. She almost believed it, too.
                “Yes. Fine I am rebuked. I apologise for the shoe incident. It will not happen again if it is in my power to assure it.” The empress offered.
                “Apology accepted. Now, I believe you had an urgent question also, Illuminator Verity?” the Divine Light asked. Any remnant of Adirn’s smile disappeared at the mention of that name, taking a significant chunk of her hope away with it.
                “Indeed, thank you your divinity.” Rachael Verity replied with a respectful bow to the Divine Light, before turning to face Adirn. There was a glint in her mean little eyes as she looked down from the dais. “Empress Deepgrave, I was most interested to hear about the bishop whom you immediately executed upon our departure from the Imperial Palace. Walked right into his place of worship, disrespected his beliefs, and then unceremoniously cut him down as I understand it. Why was it that you felt the need to lie to us about not intending to execute followers of Virum before going on to do exactly that?" She asked, with a slimy smugness that even Tabius Lloyd would have respected.
                Adirn’s eyes widened in shock. The bishop’s beheading had happened in the darkness of the Cathedral of the Deep; how the White Alliance could possibly have heard about it was an alarming question that the empress intended to clear up as soon as she returned to the empire.
                "That is... a misrepresentation of the events.” She replied upon regaining control of her faculties.
                “Oh? And how should we represent you walking into their cathedral and decapitating a man of the cloth.” Illuminator Verity probed with a chuckle.
                 “It was self-defence and a terrible coincidence, and not a premeditated attack."
                ”I warned you that she would deny everything. Her Diabolical Eminence Oathbreaker Adirn Deepgrave the Denier is the official title she keeps within the Onyx Empire." Illuminator Honourborn said, shaking his head in theatrical disappointment. “I had hoped that her denial over the shoes would be a one-off, and that she might have learned a lesson about honesty, but here we are again.”
                The empress scowled and clenched a fist. Barely a minute into their conversation the illuminators had her defending charges of shoe-theft and bishop-murder. She felt the blood run from her face while she tried to think of a way to explain what had happened in the Cathedral of the Deep that could cast her in a good light.
                "So it would seem.” Agreed the Divine Light. “With what did this elderly bishop attack you, then, Empress Deepgrave? An axe? A sword? Some form of ritual dagger from your cruel religious ceremonies?"
                Adirn could feel her hope unravelling and fraying under the weight of misinformation and misinterpretation. Her own Dark Council was determined to make her into a monster, and the White Alliance was intent to see her as one.
                "He wasn't elderly..." Was the best defence she could immediately muster.
                "The type of weapon, I believe, was the subject of my enquiry."
                "Right, but he wasn't elderly. Saying that he was old implies that he was helpless, but the bishop was young and strong enough to be a threat.” She persisted. Divine Light Thomas Dove began to frown expectantly at her, and she continued “But as to the weapon, he came at us threatening to beat me down with, erm... a large, ceremonial bludgeoning implement."
                Sideways glancing and disbelief became the vogue of the room among all but the empress. It wasn’t a development that she welcomed.
                "A large, ceremonial bludgeon?” Echoed Divine Light Thomas Dove mockingly. “Could you describe it any further for us, please?"
                Adirn sighed. There was no use in fighting it.
                "It was a candlestick."
                The illuminators erupted in laughter. Thomas Dove chuckled in a way that he probably believed to be dignified, but made Adirn want to give him a taste of the candelabra on the table nearby; then he’d know that it wasn’t to be trifled with when swung in anger.
                "A candlestick indeed!” He said when his laughter allowed. “Well, I do hope you don't think that my choice to keep these candles around me is an attempt at intimidation!"
                "It was heavy and wielded as a makeshift weapon!"
                "Yes, and I’m sure he sought to assault the darkness you hold so dear." Illuminator Verity sniped.
                "He meant to ‘cleanse’ me with a lit candlestick that he was swinging around like a mace." Growled Adirn, the tenuous grip on her temper starting to fail.
                "That's enough, everyone. We are not here to judge interactions between the Onyxian state and its dominant religious group." Elucidator Heartswarmth said. His attempt to return some decorum to proceedings drew dark looks from the illuminators, but they clearly dared not question his authority. Even Thomas Dove held up a hand.
                "Yes, yes Hearty. You are right, of course, but the matter at hand here is one of honesty.  Empress Adirn Deepgrave, as I understand it you claimed not to want to purge the church when my delegation travelled to speak with you. And before they were even out of the palace you marched down to the cathedral to murder a bishop for the crime of trying to see through the dark."
                "I have said what truly happened.” Adirn snapped, nostrils flaring. “I told your delegation that I have no intention of purging the faithful and that remains true. Yes, a single bishop was killed, but he was trying to attack me; my captain of the guard did his duty. Overzealous it might have been, but it was not a premeditated assault on the church as Illuminator Verity here is trying to frame it. If you choose to twist my words and misinterpret my actions then I can't control that, but I have a lot of experience in dealing with it from own court so I would recommend that you do a better job in future.”
                Illuminator Verity raised her eyebrows in faintly amused surprise.
                “Your eminence, I of course meant no insult. I was simply asking about what I have been told.” Rachael said with a lop-sided smirk, as innocent as a pickpocket caught elbow-deep in another’s satchel.
                “If you wish to know the truth of what goes on behind my borders you should try asking me, or at least employing more reliable spies."
                "Spies?” Laughed Illuminator Verity.  “We don't need spies. Your people are all so treacherous that we can just pay any of them off to tell us what's happening. They’ll sell your darkest secrets for a single bag of flour."
                Elucidator Heartswarmth frowned with disappointment. "That's not a terribly honourable or respectful thing to do, and nor is taking pride and pleasure in it, Rachael."
                "It er… it’s pride in protecting the White Alliance from harm, that I feel." Illuminator Verity clarified evasively. She winked at the empress.
                "And I take pride in trying to turn the Onyx Empire into something new.” Adirn replied, resolving to burn that winking eye out of her head if she got even half a chance. “Surely your informants must have detailed how I outlawed hangings and drownings?" She challenged, staring furiously at Illuminator Verity. "Or how my servants no longer live in fear of torture or persecution for daring to speak? How those in Baron Infernus’ demesne no longer find themselves burned at the stake or how Auros the Crippler shall harm no more ears under my reign?"
                “There was mention of such things by those to whom we spoke but there is nothing to gain by discussing the injustices that you’re not committing.” Rachael said, dismissively.
                "Not torturing the innocent isn’t an achievement.” Illuminator Summers clarified, redundantly. “It's more like the acceptable minimum standard of behaviour at best."
                "I could not agree more strongly with you on that matter, and that is why I strove to set the situation right for the first time in goodness only knows how long. If it were not for the bloody tooth-and-nail battles I’ve been fighting in my own borders then Lady Vipus would still be hanging by the dozen, Baron Infernus would be burning his people freely, and the people of Poverton would be taxed into even deepr starvation. I am the only Onyxian ruler to have saved lives rather than taking them, and yet it seems that you are determined to see me as if I were my predecessors. You only seek to relay those things which paint me as a monster."
                “Our citizens would still have their shoes and a certain bishop would still have his head if not for your actions.” Illuminator Honourborn sniped.
                “Do you really mean to equate the value of human life with the ownership of shoes?” Elucidator Heartswarmth asked calmly. It was the kind of calm that sits in the eye of a tornado and dares a person to step outside.
                “Uh, of course not. I was just erm… I forget what I was trying to say.” Stammered the Illuminator, shrinking backwards. Elucidator Heartswarmth’s eyes lingered on him for a few moments more before turning back to the empress.
                "We have a long history, your empire and mine." Thomas Dove interjected, wearing a patronisingly sympathetic expression that made Adirn want to reach for the candlestick again. "I do hope you can understand that trust is a hard thing to win back, especially after so many ostensible” surprise” attacks."
                "I understand that, but this doesn't require trust. If you’ve been receiving reports from Onyxians that I’m making things right then you can see for yourself that real changes are afoot. Your illuminators simply choose to ignore the good I am doing so that they can treat me like a villain and maintain this vicious cycle of succession, invasion and assassination."
                Divine Light Thomas Dove shifted his weight and rubbed at his clean-shaven chin.
                "Well? What say you Illuminator Verity?"
                "We are versed in the subterfuge of the Onyx Empire, your divinity. To take what we see at face value, without questioning it through the lens of our accumulated experience, would be folly. It is true that the hangings , drownings, burnings and ear-pushings have been halted, but who is to say what other schemes are being devised to replace those practices? We know better than to think that there is nothing happening behind closed borders when a new atrocity is committed every time we look." She crooned.
                Thomas Dove looked to Adirn with an affable but helpless shrug.
                "Sounds like good sense to me, Empress Deepgrave. It's hard to believe the testimony of someone who calls themselves Oathbreaker and Denier over the experienced interpretation of my Illuminators."
                "You have no reason to believe that I am a liar aside from names and slander! All of my testimony will be reflected in what you learn from your informants. And I don't call myself those things!" Adirn cried.
                "Well denied." Illuminator Verity said, without missing a beat. Adirn scrunched her eyes closed in an effort to quell her temper, but it didn’t help much. She was about to lunge forward with the imperial right hook when Elucidator Heartswarmth’s voice, thankfully, stopped her.
                “That is quite enough, Rachael.” He boomed. The chamber fell into a deep, tense silence. “Have you learned nothing from our discussions since returning from the Onyx Empire? Keep up this petulance and you will find that I have plenty of Light-Bearers all-too-eager and quite ready to replace you as an Illuminator.” He was wearing the only truly angry expression that Adirn had seen since crossing the border, leaving aside the grimaces of olfactory dissatisfaction from her escort upon entering the guest quarters. While the other Illuminators and even Divine Light Thomas Dove stared awkwardly at their feet, Rachael tried and failed to look Elucidator Heartswarmth in the eye.
                “I… This was just trying to relay…” She tried, before sagging.  “… yes Elucidator.”
                “Please apologise to our guest.”
                Swinging upwards from the pit of rage in which she’d been languishing, Adirn had to commit all the willpower she had to keep a smirk in check. The rapidly reddening cheeks on Illuminator Verity’s face were a most delightful tonic to the empress, but nothing could hide the resentment in her eyes.
                “I apologise, your eminence.” Came the obedient, if not necessarily sincere, words.
                “Thank you, Illuminator Verity. I accept your apology. Thank you also Elucidator Heartswarmth .” The empress replied with all the regal grace she could muster. Unbidden the image of Countess Lascera bellowing out her remorse from the Imperial Palace’s audience chamber floor came vividly back. As she was beginning to wonder if every one of her political victories would come in the form of a reluctant apology, Divine Light Thomas Dove broke her train of thought.
                “Very well, Empress Deepgrave. Please, would you inform us of the strides you are making to change your empire? I am sure that we would all be interested to hear your intentions and your account of events. We shall listen with an open mind.”
                Once again all eyes were on the empress. There was as much silence in the room as there was light streaming in through the glass dome above, and she could have sworn that her beating heart was audible. If there was ever a time to swallow down the preceding emotional turmoil and compose herself it was now, she told herself, but the pressure only made it worse.
                “Certainly.” She finally answered. “As you are surely aware, I inherited the throne by dint of failing to provide a sufficient excuse for not ascending to it. The role of the ruler is not a popular one in the Onyx Empire, on account of how quickly they find themselves interred by the hand of an assassin, their own advisors, or a general of your own army, your divinity.” Thomas Dove nodded proudly. “You will have heard about the breadth and creativity of cruelty exercised by anyone with so much as a scrap of power within the Onyx Empire, from the landowners and the head of the Church of Almighty Virum right down to the Mistress of Records.”
                “We are not ignorant to those matters, you are correct.”
                “When I was crowned it happened in an enormous graveyard, standing in front of a memorial to Empress Kegyetlen; she founded the City of Torment and, for reasons that no-one has been able to make clear to me, drowned a sack of birds to celebrate. My household staff feared my every word, my nobles tortured their subjects, and I was immediately presented with plans to launch the traditional surprise attack against you yet again. Such was the foundation on which my reign was forced to start.”
                “Inauspicious, I would agree.”
                “When you are forced to start from a place so low, the bars you must clear to start climbing upwards are equally low. To be honest, the bar was subterranean in my case. My first act as empress, which I declared during my coronation and enforced at the first meeting of my council, was to outlaw both the murder and torture of innocent people. I am fully aware that doing so doesn’t make me a paragon of moral virtue; it’s so far below the minimum requirement for being a decent human as to be laughable, and yet my empire was the first in history in which it was a declaration for which it was necessary to fight. Every one of my Ladies, Viscounts, Countesses, Lords, Baronesses and other nobles tried to subvert it, and bellowed at me in their outrage nearly constantly. There was even an attempt on my life over it in plain sight; someone tried to kill me for taking away their right to flay people.”
                “It is true, your divinity. The empress’ testimony has been corroborated by several informants from the Onyx Empire; although the empress did exact a punishment on the assassin by denial…” Elucidator Heartswarmth stopped hismelf, shot Illuminator Verity a dark, warning look, and then carried on “… that is to say, deprivation, of a lavatory.”
                “That’s not what it sounds like either.” Adirn said quickly, before the accusation could leave Thomas Dove’s mouth. “I simply refused to let her leave the audience chamber until she apologised to me. All I asked of her was an apology and that took a whole day, so the lack of access to a privy was her own doing. She gave in eventually though, and I was good to my word. She has walked free, with access to plentiful privies, ever since.”
                Divine Light Thomas Dove scratched at his cheeks thoughtfully. His eyes were set unwaveringly on the empress’ own.
                “Am I supposed to be comforted by the notion that assassins need only apologise in order to be set free in your empire, Empress Deepgrave? You make it sound like this assassin did nothing more than use her cutlery in the wrong hands at dinner.”
                “Incorrect cutlery usage was a crime punishable by death under Emperor Tyrannick, your divinity.” Elucidator Heartswarmth said. “But again, there is no evidence that it has continued under Empress Deepgrave.”
                “Harrowing. In any case, you imply that the vocation of the assassin is acceptable as long as you are not their target.”
                “That’s not the case, your divinity, but if I were to execute or incarcerate everyone who tried to assassinate me then I imagine I would quickly be ruling over myself alone. I needed to prove that those ways are over, and that people can escape the old lives they’ve made for themselves,  so my treatment of the assassin wasn’t approval of her actions but… but… a demonstration of my principles: that resolution can be achieved by means other than suffering or execution. That people can make mistakes, take ownership of them, and be given the opportunity to change their ways.”
                “And that those who try to take life are free to walk among the people as long as, when caught, they claim remorse.”
                “As long as it’s sincere, yes… I mean, it’s not a perfect approach but I have to start somewhere. Did you know that my council came to me enraged that I had ‘indulged’ in torture by forcing an apology from Countess Lascera while I denied them the same ‘right’? That’s what passes for normality in the Onyx Empire and you can’t punish a whole culture into non-existence. Every day has been a new shock at some harrowing practice, despicable tradition or disgusting attitude. It’s why things will take a long time to fix, and why I’m standing here wearing clothes covered in garrottes; these are the most acceptable garments available to me in the imperial wardrobe.”
                “I did wonder.” Thomas Dove said, thoughtfully. “But that leads me naturally to a question which begins to plague me. You claim ignorance to nearly everything that your empire calls culture and yet you are a product of that same empire. How can that possibly be? How can one live under such a rock but also be in the line of succession? It does not have the ring of truth about it, Adirn Deepgrave.”
                “I… what can I possibly say to that? My family sheltered me from it, I suppose.  My parents didn’t move in the circles of nobility.” She said. The blank expression on Divine Light Thomas Dove’s face told her that he was expecting a better answer. Standing in front of them she opened and closed her mouth a few times, wondering what she could hope to add but coming up blank every time.
                “I believe that I can help.” Elucidator Heartswarmth said. Adirn looked up at him, her saviour yet again, with curious confusion. “The Deepgraves have not experienced much of what could be called Onyxian culture for a number of generations, your divinity. The empress’ great-grandparents were close relatives of Emperor Exhumer the Dirty-Handed and as such were close to his court, but over the years they demonstrated a leniency abhorrent to their peers; as I recall, they repeatedly refused to execute their head chef when he replaced a pan to its hook too noisily. Eventually their opinions were deemed to be dangerous to the Onyxian way of life, and there were calls for their execution. Exhumer wouldn’t allow that to happen. Not because they were family or out of any loyalty, of course, but because he liked to be contrarian; you might have intuited as much from accounts of his dealings with us. He did, however, agree that their views were perilously subversive, so he saw to it that they were exiled to the far reaches of the empire, to live as outcasts and be shunned by society. They were stripped of their name and given the moniker Deepgrave, to reflect the hope that exile would bury them in such a deep grave that their degeneracy needn’t corrupt the rest of the nation.” He explained. Adirn’s mouth hung open as her family history was unspooled for all to hear. “Once Exhumer passed away, murdered by Empress Ulteria Motif, there was no reason to hunt them down except for spite. Against all the odds, that never happened.”
                “I didn’t know that my name was a slur on my ancestors.” The empress said quietly. Elucidator Heartswarmth nodded sadly, while the Illuminators fought back smiles. “I was told that we were connected to Emperor Exhumer, but that my family lived as lesser nobles for reasons lost to history. Your words explain a lot. How did you know all that?”
                “I would also be interested to learn where you discovered such a history of the Deepgraves, Elucidator.” Thomas Dove added.
                “It is my duty as envoy to the Onyx Empire to know its history and culture. My predecessors dealt with Emperor Exhumer and had to know the goings on of his court, and it was relayed to me that I might learn useful lessons for the future.” He replied simply.
                “So I suppose that’s your answer, your divinity. Until the death of Emperor Tyrannick my family were ignored as a shameful secret. The links between my family and the throne were distant but, apparently, not distant enough for the Mistress of Records to label me as a successor. I guess that would make me the last in a long line of pariahs, left to discover exactly what life in the City of Torment is like.”
                “Well, how very poetic. Thank you for your input Elucidator Heartswarmth. Your explanation has a ring of plausibility to it, Empress Deepgrave. You are certainly a curiosity among the Onyxian ranks. Despite the transgressions we have already discussed it is still my duty and honour as he who leads the White Alliance to welcome you. I hope that we might be able to enjoy a fruitful relationship until you are deposed by assassination or war, as is the custom within the Onyx Empire.”
                “Thank you, but there will be no war, Divine Light Thomas Dove.”
                “Another oath to break?” Asked Illuminator Bloom, with a wink to Illuminator Verity. Elucidator Heartswarmth was barely seen to move; it would have been easier to believe that he’d teleported across the room to stand directly in front of the Illuminator.
                “Did you not listen to a word I said to Rachael?” He hissed. The Illuminator cowered, eyes wide.
                “I was… it was a genuine que..”
                “Leave.” Heartswarmth said, simply. “We will discuss this in the chamber of re-illumination.”
                “But-“ she tried, before something in the Elucidator’s eyes made her stop. “Yes, Elucidator Heartswarmth. I bid you goodbye, Divine Light. Empress Deepgrave.”
                With a nod from Thomas Dove, Illuminator Bloom marched down the stairs, passed Adirn with a perfunctory bow, and continued along the white carpet towards the doors.
                “I apologise for the conduct of my Illuminators, Empress Deepgrave. Rest assured there will be re-education, mediation, and training on how to be respectful of others scheduled for all of them.” Heartswarmth said. The other Illuminators started to groan. “And there will be mandatory role-playing to understand the impact of our words on others. Followed by two full days of team-building exercises. And for every time I have to remind you about your manners in front of the empress those exercises will continue for an additional day.” As fast as Adirn’s house staff had come to heel upon her first introduction to them, the Illuminators snapped bolt upright and to attention. Even Rachael Verity held a respectful expression on her face. “As you were saying, your eminence?”
                “Thank you. I was saying that there will be no war, your divinity. You have my word that I shall not order or allow any militia from within my borders to assault you again. I’ll make no secret that Count Rott has tried to get the idea past me on occasion, but he has been told no in the most stern terms I can.”
                “On occasion? It happens regularly?” Thomas Dove asked with concerned interest.
                “Daily. It’s almost like a greeting now.” Adirn said wearily.
                “An empire which uses suggestions of war as greetings is not one that seems trustworthy, Empress Deepgrave.”
                “We don’t use it as a greeting I… I just meant that it’s so regular for him to ask that it’s like a greeting for me to say no to him.”
                “I’m not sure I follow, nor do I like the implications.” The Divine Light said, still frowning.
                “It’s not… oh it doesn’t matter. The point is that I am bringing an end to the incessant attacks, surprise or otherwise. War consistently ravages the Onyx Empire far more than it does the White Alliance, and there can be no trust between us as long as you’re expecting a knife in the back.”
                “Now at last we have something on which to agree.” He said. Illuminator Verity nodded.
                “War serves neither of us. It is tiring for the City of Torment to be continually rebuilt, for the people to have their farms trampled and ravaged, and for the focus of my empire to be directed outwards. My people have been living under the yoke of war-tax and tithes for so long that they have nothing to call their own, and even their food is being stolen from them. I wish to help them but I have nothing to give; the treasury is emptied as soon as it’s filled, which leads me towards a matter I was hoping to broach with you, your divinity.” Adirn said, voice quivering. She fought to regain control of it while the Divine Light frowned slightly in anticipation. “Perfectly understandably, the Onyx Empire is paying a substantial sum to the White Alliance in reparations.”
                “A fair sum, I would say. Especially given that some collections are made directly from the capitol when our army is there for other reasons.” Divine Light Thomas Dove observed. Adirn sighed.
                “Yes. Yes quite so. But without access to that gold I cannot adequately fund the repair of my villages, nor provide what is needed to stabilise the supplies of food and resources. Children will continue to sleep in the gutter, disease will continue to ravage Decaydale, and farms will continue to go untilled because there is no-one, either healthy or outside of a dungeon for long enough, to tend them.  Unless I can support them, the nobles in my empire will continue to support themselves by the means that they see fit. I have managed to secure a short period of cooperation from them, but they will quickly lose patience if I do not start to demonstrate that there’s an alternative to burning people alive and hanging entire villages.”
                Divine Light Thomas Dove held up a hand. Adirn stopped speaking despite her outrage.
                “How do they provide food and resources by burning and hanging people, Empress Deepgrave? Are your people also cannibals?”
                “What? No! No, but… I don’t know how that makes them money either. There are all sorts of ludicrous taxes and fines, but as to how slaughtering the poor generates gold I have no idea. I presumed it was to threaten the people into paying, but even those who pay on time are found on the gallows so it’s something I need to understand better, really.” She said, thinking out loud. The illuminators, and even Elucidator Heartswarmth, were looking disturbed. Adirn decided to veer back onto the subject at hand. “But the point is that I can’t afford both the war reparations to you and the rebuilding costs of healing my empire. I come to you to ask that, in the face of what I’ve already done to try to fix the Onyx Empire, we may pause the war debt as a gesture of faith. You have my word as a ruler that your borders will remain safe and that once the suffering of Onyxians is brought to an end we will honour the remaining payments. I just need some time.”
                Divine Light Thomas Dove smiled. Then he wobbled slightly. Adirn stared in silence at him. A short chuckle broke through.
                “I have your word that you won’t launch a surprise attack?”
                “Yes, and my word is always kept.” Adirn confirmed, biting at the inside of her lip.
                “You realise that someone who promises they’re not lying is hard to believe, don’t you Empress Deepgrave?”
                “I am no liar.” She growled yet again.
                “And I am no fool. How many times have we been promised that there would be no more invasions, Elucidator?” The Divine Light sneered with tangible smugness.
                “Erm, none, your divinity.”
                The Divine Light snapped around to stare at Heartswarmth furiously.
                “What do you mean, none?”
                “I mean that no empress or emperor has accepted our invitations to parlay for centuries. They can’t give promises if they refuse to speak to us.”
                “Hm. That’s true. But I feel that there is an implicit lie in launching a surprise attack, and that it’s very similar to breaking a promise of peace. If one is to declare war then they should travel to the capitol and say it face-to-face, none of this surprise business. That’s the most basic courtesy of the whole affair and the action of a respectable head of state.”
                “I won’t be declaring war at all.” Adirn repeated. “I think that’s the most courteous course of action that anyone can take.”
                “You will though, won’t you?” He replied calmly. Adirn’s mouth fell open again. “You wish for your reparation money so that you might build forces more effectively this time and invade. Or even if you don’t intend it now you will do so soon, for how else can you generate money in an empire which kills all of its workers and severs ties with its largest neighbour. Daily offers of a war will wear any of you Onyxians down because it’s in your blood to want to spill that of others. I apologise, Empress Deepgrave, but I cannot allow you to stop paying. Whatever you promise me here and now, there will be war on the horizon. I would be a fool to fund an attack on my own people.”
                “You would steal every last coin I have, the only wealth I could use to save my people, on a pre-judgement of me as a deceiver? If there is to be no hope of peace as long as the Onyx Empire exists then why would you allow it to remain? Why not annex us when you invaded the last ten times?”
                “We do not conquer by war, Empress Deepgrave. We defend the downtrodden and rebuke the downtreader, remember? If we must remove a warmongering ruler then so be it, but we will not steal a nation.”
                It was Adirn’s turn to laugh; an exasperated, frustrating chuckle that spilled from her mouth like blood coughed up from a mortal wound.
                “So let’s be clear with one another. You will not believe that I have no intention to declare war upon you, because I lead the Onyx Empire. You will not annex the empire after conquest, because that’s wrong, but you will also not accept that there will ever be a period of peace as long as Onyxians lead the nation. You will not believe that the good I have done will continue because I am an Onyxian. You deny me the means to keep reforming my empire, and in doing so you will force your own prophecy will self-fulfil. It sounds to me, Divine Light Thomas Dove, that you want this cycle of persistent warfare to continue so that you can keep being the great and glorious rescuer of the White Alliance without ever having to face the reality that it is us who need rescuing from you. Parlay with the White Alliance is nothing but a trap of inevitable warfare and being called a liar to my face.”
                “You would do well to remember whose citadel it is in which you stand, Empress Deepgrave.” Illuminator Verity warned. This time, Elucidator Heartswarmth did not step in.
                ”Yes, I do stand here in your citadel as requested personally by you, Divine Light Thomas Dove. It’s clear that you have decided not to believe a word I say however, so why, may I ask, did you invite me here in the first place? To mock me and judge me? That doesn’t sound very divine or radiant.” She spat. An ever-decreasing part of her mind was screaming at her to stop and bite her tongue, but her poorly restrained temper gained more and more control. “I came here in good faith, with the hope that we could make peace and that I could have your support in saving the innocent people of my empire. You are my last hope and you don’t even need to do anything but stop stealing my only means of repairing my empire! It’s clear that you have riches enough without the pittance that my treasury can actually generate. And do you know what you will buy by keeping those reparations? The Dark Council will rise up against me and have me executed. The only hope you have of turning the Onyx Empire around, the only ruler who will ever speak to you without clutching a blade in the other hand, will be murdered and you’ll be back to the status quo. That blood, the blood of every Onyxian to perish after I am gone, will be on your hands.”
                Divine Light Thomas Dove tilted his head to one side. Then, a few moments later, he tilted it to the other. He was like a puppy trying to work out whether it should be wagging its tail or licking a wound.
                “You’re fascinating, Your Diabolical Eminence Oathbreaker Empress Adirn the Denier.” He said, tilting his head back yet again. “You make an interesting case, one that I’ve not heard from the Onyx Empire ever before. You seem to grasp something more of reality and how to conduct a life without exclusively committing the greatest atrocities you can manage.But the fact remains that despite honeyed words, seemingly kept promises within your borders, grand intentions, and the threat of misplaced guilt, you are still, it pains me to observe, Onyxian.” He said.
                “And what, exactly, is that supposed to mean?” Adirn seethed. An apologetic peaking of the eyebrows on Thomas Dove’s face formed a triangle above his nose; a perfect target at which to swing the candelabra.
                “It just means… what it says, really. That you’re born evil.” He clarified, with all the tact of a sledgehammer crashing into a pair of spectacles. His eyebrows  were now peaked to the point of near verticality with patronising sympathy; any further and they might be torn from his face entirely. Adirn would have loved to do the honours herself. Driven into the palms of her hands, the imperial fingernails tasted blood. “It’s not to say that it’s your fault!” The Divine Light Thomas Dove added quickly, observing the quite inhuman shade of red that the empress’ face had adopted. “But you were born in the Onyx Empire, and the heritage of your family, whatever their status as exiles, is purely of Onyxian stock. You might well believe that you’re a good person, and you might think that you represent a hope for change or a good relationship between our empires, but we’ve seen quite enough to know that the opposite will be true. The fact that you’re trying so hard to appear to the contrary to your predecessors is just another nail in the coffin, pardon the phrase, because if someone really isn’t evil then they don’t need to try at all to be good.” He gave the empress a friendly smile and she felt the final thread of patience in her head snap.
                “Then this whole trip has been one long pointless waste of my time! I will not stand here and be insulted any longer. I thank you for the superficial hospitality and illusion of welcoming that you tried so hard to craft, but I shall be taking my leave.”
                “I’m sure we will meet again under the banners of war, Empress Deepgrave.” Thomas Dove said, with laughter erupting from the Illuminators.
                “Do you know what? Despite everything you’ve said, I’ll show you just how much my word really means. Evil indeed! You sign my death warrant because you don’t grasp how lucky you are to have me but still, even so, there will be no war! I can only hope you manage to pull your head out of  your chaise-longue infested and chokingly perfumed rear-end fast enough to realise that before I’m executed. My blood will be on your hands!” The empress roared, spinning on her heels and starting to march away.
 
                "Argh! Gods I want to declare war on him. I want to declare war on him so much!" The Empress seethed once she was back in her chambers, casting decadent throw-cushions across the room from chaise-longue to chaise-longue. "I’ll wipe that smug smile off his stupid face for telling me that I'm definitely evil."
                Captain Toxis regarded her impassively.                "That would rather be the same course of action as your predecessors." He observed. "Except many of them had already planned to do so before learning anything about him, so they were a few steps ahead of you. I assume that the audience did not go in your favour."
                "I bet it's what he wants me to do!” She continued. “He wants to bait me into it so that he can be the brave defender again. It’s all a big show to keep his image alive. Well I'll show him. We’ll immediately not declare war. There will be no war for year after year after year. I'll declare so few wars it'll make his head spin."
                "For what it's worth, your eminence, that would be a judicious choice. I don't fancy training up another wave of new recruits just yet, and I am growing accustomed to your leadership." Keto supported.
                “Oh, but you didn’t hear him, Keto! He said I was born evil because I am of ‘Onyxian stock’. That trying not to be evil must mean that deep down I am. And you know what’s worse than that? After he said it he didn’t apologise, Keto. He smiled. The bastard smiled!” A chaise longue was flipped clean onto its back in imperial rage. “He refuses to help me because he’s already decided I’m as bad as Tyrranick. The stupid pigeon thinks he’s so clever by not believing a word I say, and he’s leaving me to face the Dark Council without anything to show.” She stamped down on one of the exposed chaise-longue legs but her foot bounced right off; it was clearly of very fine craftsmanship. “I told him what he was doing, that he was killing me and everyone else in the empire by refusing to listen but he doesn’t care. I can’t believe I’m saying this but the Dark Council was right; he’s fit for nothing but the gallows. Fetch everyone together. We’re heading back immediately. I can’t stand to be here any longer.”
                “As you wish, your eminence.” Captain Toxis said, hurrying away towards the retinue’s rooms.
                “I shall have your carriage and horses made ready, your eminence.” Said Governor Springtime. The empress once again jumped nearly out of her skin.
                “How long have you been there?” She demanded.
                “I never left. We walked here together, your eminence. I operated the moving platforms for you.” He said, sheepishly. Adirn scowled for a few moments, and then realised he was quite correct.
                “Yes. I suppose you have been. Well yes please, then. Have them made ready immediately.”
                “As you wish, your eminence. And please, I hope you will accept my apology that your stay has not brought joy, whatever that’s really worth.”
                Adirn looked at him darkly until he turned away and started to leave. Seeing him dutifully carry on, despite her rage, softened the edges of her apoplexy.
                “Thank you, Wendigo.” She called out before he could close the door.
                “You are welcome, eminence.” He replied.
 
                By the time Adirn made it back to her carriage, she was the only remaining cargo to load. Her retinue were, by some miracle, now mounted correctly, and her luggage had been secured into place on the racks.
                “We have cleaned and boxed al l of your various shoes, eminence.” Wendigo told her proudly as they approached. “But…” the empress looked at him. “… the Divine Light Thomas Dove insisted that you be given a gift.”
                “Tell him he can shove it up his most divine-“
                “Your eminence.” Keto said softly to her side, with a cautioning look. She breathed deeply.
                “Thank you Governor Springtime.” She said. He looked back sadly and grasped the door handle.
                “I cannot in good conscience accept thanks for this gift, your eminence. I can only offer my apology. It goes completely against my wishes.”
                Pulling the door open, he revealed that in the centre of the carriage was a single chaise-longue, carved of the deepest ebony and upholstered with jet black velvet.
                “Should I take an axe to it, your eminence?” Keto asked.
                “No, thank you. We won’t give the divine bird the satisfaction.” She replied. Governor Springtime gasped at the flagrant and public insult to the Divine Light. “Thank you for your assistance, Wendigo. I hope that we meet again.”
                “The honour was mine, your eminence.” He said, swallowing down his shock and bowing deeply as they climbed the steps. “I wish you safe travels back to the City of Torment.”
                The carriage door clicked shut as Adirn edged her way around the Divine Light’s gift, and the horses were set into motion. In the white reflected light of the morning sun, reflected from the buildings of a city that denied her all hope, the empress yanked the curtains closed and began her journey home to the darkness.